Wall.

I have hit a wall. It pisses me off. I guess I'm not very good with rejection. My best friend just called me during her lunch break to check on me. I didn't have to say anything directly and she knew it was not a good day for me.

I don't necessarily look good on paper. I have a little bit of job experience and all my volunteer work is the same. So, I'm basically qualified to make a sandwich and be a volunteer youth leader. Maybe that isn't going to get me very far. I'm intimidated. I hate failure so much that I become afraid of being proactive. However, I just read a message I sent to a friend when I first moved out here. I talked about how excited I was to be able to face the challenge of finding a job all on my own. No connections, purely based on who I am. Sounded dreamy at the time...

I wrote that earlier today. I was on the verge of giving up. The Lord is faithful. About an hour later I got an email regarding setting up an interview for an administrative assistant position. And then about 3 hours after that I got a phone call... I applied to a job through AmeriCorps as soon as I got out here. It is a position working with a local public school and connecting the school to the community. I would be working with the students at an after-school program as well as their families and volunteers within the program. I interviewed for this the week before Thanksgiving and was of course insecure and shaky. I think I officially suck at interviews. HOWEVER, I guess I did well enough! They offered me a position!! It starts January 10th and goes until December 16th. It is just an incredible relief to have this door opened. Especially when I was hitting a wall. I will definitely continue praying about this and making sure it is what I need to be doing, but I do feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. :)

Hide-N-Seek

I am sketchy. I am deceptive. I hide things like it's my job.

When I was an 8th grader, a junior in high school started pursuing me. He was involved with youth group, sweet, and caring. I asked my parents if I could hang out with him... HA! Was I seriously thinking they would say yes? So, I "dated" him for nine months behind my parents' backs. It was the worst and best feeling in the world. I hated myself for deceiving my parents and was constantly feeling overwhelmed and nervous. However, it was a rush. I was being rebellious, adventurous, and getting attention from an older guy. I thought I was on top of the world. I guess this is when my streak of hiding stuff began. Well, big stuff at least.

I'm still trying to end the streak. I have been confronted and challenged by people close to me a lot recently. I decided I wanted to live my life in a whole new way. I want to not have anything in my life that I feel like I need to hide from the people that mean the most to me. I don't know why I have sketchy tendencies. Maybe it stems from being a PK. Always feeling pressure to do right, so even if it isn't a big deal, I feel like I need to hide anything questionable.  I guess I sometimes feel judged. But when I step back and think about it, I realize that I am doing some things that I should be ashamed of. I can be too stubborn to allow anyone to keep me accountable so I avoid my closest friends and family. Not exactly an ideal way to live life.

I think this could be an incredible way to start living my life differently. I need people here on earth to keep me accountable. I know I am going to disappoint. No one likes to disappoint. I don't think that should be something that overcomes our lives and cripples us though. I want to seek the Lord and my loved ones. The Lord is watching over me and aware of everything I think and do. There is no hiding from Him. This book that I am reading talks about being one whom God respects. Now that's a challenge. Seems pretty impossible, but I don't think it is. "Choose to humble yourself by submitting to His greatness every day."

Living a life with nothing to hide is incredibly freeing already. I stress and worry less. I feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin. I am having conversations with friends and family, and we are able to grow and strengthen our relationship so much more based on openness and honesty. I am growing closer to the Lord without shame.

Uno (not the game)

That means one in Spanish, just in case you didn't know that.

I've been in Portland for exactly one month now. That's kinda crazy to me. I have had a few people ask for updates, so why not post one and have a place to direct people if they desire to hear about my (not so) exciting life.

If I'm honest, I think I was hoping to accomplish more than I have at this point. However, I'm content. Today at least. So, the first week and a half I mainly focused on pulling together my resume. It's unbelievable how many hours can be spent attempting to perfect a resume. Since then, it has been an overwhelming amount of job searching and applying.

What does a typical day look like? Well, most days are pretty monotonous honestly. I wake up between 8:30 and 9:30 (I'm proud of that) and read and journal while sipping on some coffee. I love making this a new habit of mine. Then I usually spend the rest of the morning searching for jobs/researching/applying/writing cover letters/adjusting my resume to a particular job/etc. Destiny has also allowed me to help her with her jewelry a few times, which is a nice break to sitting in front of a computer. Around 12:30 or 1:00 Destiny and I pack up a lunch and drive over to Avery's office. She seriously is the sweetest wife ever. Avery comes out, and we all eat lunch together in Destiny's VW Bug. It's pretty cute if you ask me. Afternoons consist of exercising, coffee shops, meeting with the two friends I have here (Kristen and Allie), continuing applications, watching 24, writing friends, etc. Evenings are usually spent with Avery and Destiny eating dinner and watching TV or playing games.

I have probably applied to over 30 jobs now. I am applying to anything and everything. I have only gotten two responses. Which is a little bit of a hard thing to swallow sometimes. I just have to remind myself that there are probably hundreds of other people applying to these same jobs, and I'm not exactly qualified for, well, much of anything. The first interview I had was with an internet marketing company. It was a sales position, and I feel like I pretty much bombed the interview. Needless to say, I haven't heard back from them. I'm not too disappointed about that. The second interview was with a job through Americorps. It is basically working for an organization that tries to connect the schools with the community and runs an after-school program. I felt better about this interview mainly because it actually involved something that interests me and I have experience in. I am supposed to hear back from them after Thanksgiving. I am hopeful, but definitely still applying to other positions.

As soon as I got out here I knew I wanted to immediately dive into doing something. I knew I would attend Imago Dei Community Church so I emailed the youth director and asked if he needed any leaders. About a week after I got here, I dressed up as a plastic pumpkin trick-or-treat bucket and headed to a high school and middle school Halloween party. I luckily knew one of the high school leaders through Avery, but otherwise I knew no one. Of course it turned out great, and I have officially become a high school leader. It is a huge change from Hope's youth group, but I'm enjoying the challenge. There are only about 20 students, but they are tight knit and anxious to learn and love. The other leaders have been extremely welcoming, and I'm excited to grow friendships with them.

Portland as a city, I am beginning to appreciate more and more. There are definitely things I am getting used to, but every once in a while it hits me how awesome and beautiful this city truly is. It is so cool to be submerged in such a different culture. Things I am getting used to in relation to the actual city:

• Making sure I don't hit pedestrians and bikers. They are everywhere.
• Being confident ordering a PBR in a Portland brewery. People love their beer here. I prefer cheap beer.
• Rain. I'm trying to have a positive attitude and not let it get to me. It's freaking hard though. It's  35 and raining today. My dad said he got too hot on his run this morning in Memphis. I need a gym membership.
• People truly are different. They actually are nicer than I expected, but sometimes I just feel like I don't exactly fit in. 

That's an overview of what's going on. I'll try to keep people updated and don't ever hesitate to contact me personally. It's nice to hear from people.

If you feel the urge, pray for me this week. I'm staying here for Thanksgiving. I haven't really spent a holiday away from my family before. Also, I realized that was a pretty positive update. That makes me happy. It really has been tough at times, I've had my share of breakdowns and thoughts of giving up. I am learning so much though.

Rollercoaster

Being able to spend August, September, and part of October in Memphis was a huge blessing. When I got back to Memphis from Portland at the end of July, I was ready and anxious to pack up and drive all my stuff across the country. However, I had a flight out of Memphis at the beginning of September for our family vacation and one of my best friends was getting married at the end of September. I know, terrible reasons to have to stay in Memphis, right? Little did I know, those couple months were going to be some of the most memorable of my life. I was able to live with Tommy and Jessica and spend intentional time with them, learning and loving. I took a trip to Knoxville and spent 5 days with my best friends. I fell in love with running and got to experience Memphis's new greenline. I got to be a part of a very exciting few weeks with Julie as she prepared and tied the knot with Chad. Sundays became my favorite day of the week; worshiping with my family, eating lunch, running, worshiping again and hearing my dad speak, then going out for dinner. A full day of fellowship with the family. Not to mention I was lucky enough to get in on my parents' anniversary trip to NYC.

However, the last couple weeks were rough. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. I felt at home, and it was comfortable. I got extremely close to Tommy and Jessica, and they were challenging me and supporting me. There definitely were some times when I thought, "Wait, what am I thinking? This is where I should be." I'm honestly not sure why I still decided to move. I think it was mainly pride and stubbornness, but hopefully there was faith in there somewhere too. And of course, there was a little part of me that was extremely excited, but it was pretty masked.

Needless to say, I was drained and emotionally exhausted by the time my mom and I jumped in the car. Once we got on the road my adrenaline started pumping though. By day two I was able to really feel the excitement break through the wall of sadness. My mom and I had a wonderful time together. Our trip in a nutshell:
Day one: Memphis, TN to Council Bluffs, IA. 11 hours. 639 miles. 1 flat tire.
Day two: Council Bluffs, IA to Rapid City, SD. 9 hours. 545 miles. 4 dead presidents sculpted on a mountain. 2 incredibly sweet letters from my dad.
Day three: Rapid City, SD to Billings, MT. 5.5 hours. 374 miles. 2 pictograph caves. 1 local brewery. 2 local beers. 1 of the best meals I've ever had.
Day four: Billings, MT to Missoula, MT. 5 hours. 344 miles. 1 best friend in the world. 1 hike to the M. 1 night out with Katy and some of her friends who I met this summer.
Day five: Missoula, MT to Portland, OR. 9 hours. 548 miles. 2 excited siblings. 1 crazy cute cat.
Total: Memphis, TN to Portland, OR. 39.5 hours. 2,450 miles. Let's not talk about the amount of money spent on gas and lodging... Thanks for your support mom and dad. :) 

I'm thrilled to be here, but it truly has been an emotional rollercoaster. Some moments I still question my decision, but I know I would never have had these experiences and challenges if I hadn't done this. I'm so grateful for Avery and Destiny and their willingness to have me and help me here. I know this is an extremely precious time that I'm able to have with them. I was afraid I would never have the opportunity to do this.

Work

That's a funny title since I don't have any.

However, I am working. I'm discovering that you have to work to make a story of your life. I just read a book by native Portlander (Portlandite? Portlandian? who knows?), Donald Miller, called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Some of you might recognize him by his more popular book, Blue Like Jazz. I'm not going to give you a summary of the book, go and read it instead. However, I do want to go through some of the things that really stuck out to me. Miller had ridiculous success with Blue Like Jazz and a lot of us looked at him as a really solid man who was doing amazing things with his life. In this book he reveals his lack of motivation and how his laziness leads him to watch hours of television each day. In fact, one of the guys he is working with tells him that if they portrayed his life as it truly is, people watching the movie would "stab each other in the necks with drinking straws." Ouch. How vulnerable of him to admit that.

Obviously Donald Miller is an incredible, honest, Godly man. Also, he is wonderful with words, so I'm going to quote him and throw in my thoughts instead of giving my summary. Thank God this isn't a research paper with a quote limit...

"People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. Joy costs pain." Dang.

"Humans are designed to seek comfort and order, and so if they have comfort and order, they tend to plant themselves, even if their comfort isn't all that comfortable. And even if they secretly want for something better." I love this. I struggle with this on a daily basis. We all probably do.

"It's all that stuff about forgiveness and risking rejection and learning to love. We think stories are about getting money and security, but the truth is, it all comes down to relationships." This really stands out to me. Forgiveness. Risking rejection. Learning to love. Extremely powerful things that we love to ignore.

"Not living a better story would be like deciding to die, deciding to walk around numb until you die, and it's not natural to want to die." But it's so much easier to not feel sometimes. However, there are periods of my life that when I think back on them I have NO idea what happened.

"when you are a better character, your story gets better too" I almost didn't comment on this quote. I wanted it to stand out, but I realized that it looked more like I didn't think it was as important. I love that he makes sure we know it's not just about the outward things we do. We have to change our hearts and minds to make a better story.

"I didn't want to get well, because if I got well, nobody would come and save me anymore. And I didn't want to get well, because while I could not control my happiness, I could control my misery, and I would rather have had control than live in the tension of what if. A chance of hope is no pacifier against a sure tragedy." I can be a control freak. I don't love the unknown. I like taking physical risks, but emotional risks scare the bageezees out of me.

"once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time."

There is a "natural high the body creates to trick us into thinking another human being might rescue us...we make too much of worldly love...for years I'd thought of love as something that would complete me, make all my troubles go away. I worshipped at the altar of romantic completion." Welcome to my 23 years of living. Okay, maybe I didn't start worshipping at this altar until... preschool (thanks Patrick)? That's ridiculous and somewhat true. I definitely had this mindset of, once I find a man I will feel fulfilled and worth something. What a crappy way to live. It's so obvious to me now why none of my relationships have worked out. I can't look to a guy to validate me. He later talks about a couple who look at each other as a "cherished prize." "Neither needed the other to make everything okay. They were simply content to have good company through life's conflicts." Beautiful.

Now I really am simply trying to work on making a meaningful story out of my life. It's going to be hard work and I'm going to feel like crap sometimes, but it's worth it. (Thanks Jess for giving me this book. I love you!) I'm going to end with a quote from the end of the book that I'm trying to think about throughout my day, everyday.

"We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them."

Intense

My good friend, Nathan Dugger sent me a text message yesterday that really made me laugh, then made me think. This was the text I received... "Dude your blog is intense. It's not like a 'glance over it when you're bored' blog. It's a 'pay attention cuz this shit is deep' blog." Thanks, Nate...

If you know Nathan, you know that this guy is an incredible person. He is real. Sarcastic, but real. He will give it to you straight, no matter what. Alright, so Nathan is still a male (no offense guys, but you know it's true) so he doesn't necessarily show his emotions and feelings on his sleeve, but he'd be happy to be honest and open when questioned. Nathan doesn't get caught up in the cultural pressures, he goes after what he wants and desires. You know what makes this even more impressive? Nathan could be a huge jerk. Nathan is by far the most talented person I know. He travels the country playing guitar while making every guy envious and every girl weak at the knees. He knows this, but doesn't let it get to him. He has a wonderful, brilliant, and beautiful girlfriend that trusts him and supports him. All that to say, Nathan is someone who inspires me. I know in Nathan's own little way through that text he was telling me he was proud of me (Nate, if you're reading this and that's not at all what your text meant, just let me believe differently).

Enough about Nathan, this blog is supposed to be about me. ;) I'm proud of the fact that my blog is considered "intense." I am working towards going deeper in my own life, so I can't help showing that in writing out my thoughts. I know most blogs are about traveling, training for marathons/triathlons, crafts (shout-out to destinycraftherpants), etc, but my passion right now is growth, living life to the fullest, searching for my heart, and following Christ. That is intense shit! I want to be real. I want to not be influenced by the cultural pressures, but instead go after what I believe I'm supposed to go after. It is so easy for us to live our lives at the surface level. Go through the motions and still feel satisfied. That's what I've been doing, and I'm using this blog as an outlet to push myself to change. And honestly, I'm jealous of the people who are training, traveling, crafting their pants, etc. But that's not my journey right now. Well, my next post will hopefully be about my road trip from Memphis to Portland, but I have a feeling it will be more about emotions than landmarks.

Back to working on my damn resume... Maybe my passion should be more about finding a job...

Avoidance

This seems like such a theme in my life. I talked about it a little bit in my "Beloved Child" entry in relation to pain, but I'm realizing how true it is in many aspects of my life. For example, right now I am completely avoiding packing/cleaning/crying/writing Tommy and Jessica a thank you note/etc. It drives my mom crazy how much of a procrastinator I am, but really it's the only way I know how to work. I work much better under pressure. However, there are some things that are easier to avoid completely. I'm currently avoiding the realization that I'm leaving my family in 3 days. If you know me at all, you know that I love my family more than anything in the world....

Funny thing, I wrote that a couple days ago and ended up avoiding finishing it. Anyway, I'm pretty much all packed up and ready to go. My mom and I hit the road in about nine hours. It's definitely surreal still. I'm moving across the country for an indefinite period of time (my parents hate the word indefinite, and Jessica has taken it upon herself to convince everyone that I'll be back in a year in hopes that I'll begin to believe it). I really don't know what to feel so this might be a bit choppy and random. I had to numb myself out today or else I wouldn't have been able to function. I'm sick of people thinking me and my family are crazy for being as upset about this as we are. It's hard stuff. We love being around each other and being a part of each others' everyday lives. Is that such a terrible thing? My family is my support system. My accountability. My passion. I can't wait to be a part of Avery and Destiny's lives, but it is still going to be hard. Especially without my parents. Maybe I still depend on them too much at times, but they are such an inspiration and rock to me. I live for walks with my mom and ball games with my dad. I look to them every time I need any guidance and whole-heartedly trust them. I used to hate Jessica Hagenbrok. Hated her. She has become my best friend. Funny how God works, right? Tommy and I haven't fought in years now. We finally truly understand each other. Watching Tommy and Jessica in their marriage is incredibly inspiring. I could go on forever, but that would cause me to stop avoiding my emotions.

I think I am ridiculously excited somewhere down there too. I know that no matter how tough this might be, it will be an experience that will challenge me and force me to have faith.

So how do I stop avoiding things? I don't know. I need to go to sleep. Pray for me please.

Inspiring

I stole this from Mack Oates. A. Because it's about my grandparents who were the most amazing people on the planet. B. It's an encouraging message.

Walking with Cigars
  I had just finished cooking for a rehearsal dinner and was standing 
  around visiting when Patty Morris, a lifelong friend, came up and gave 
  me a hug. My wife PK was there and we started talking about weddings 
  and families and Patty said "You remember that time we walked around 
  the block smoking cigars?" ……. When I was growing up Patty's husband 
  Eli and I were best friends, we've known each other since we were 10, 
  46 years. We're still close, his office is 30 feet from mine…. His mom and 
  dad were like second parents to me, I spent as many hours at his house 
  as I did at mine, probably more if you don't count sleep. To me his mom 
  was Modelle (mo - dell) and his dad was Eli Sr. … Later when the 
  grandkids showed up their names got changed to NaNa & BooBoo … 
  They were the sweetest people in the whole world. We did all kinds of 
  stupid things, but never really got in trouble. It was always fun and 
  comfortable to be in their house… Modelle always called me "darling" and 
  gave me a big hug every time I walked in the house … In her younger 
  years she was a Rockette at Radio City Music Hall in New York. Later 
  she and her sister were a dance team that traveled around the country 
  doing shows like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. At one point they 
  were the opening act at the Peabody Hotel here in Memphis where Eli 
  Sr was a Bell Hop with the little round hat and uniform, just like in the 
  movies .. They could tell stories for hours … Imagine your mom being a 
  Rockette!!!   They got married, had kids and moved in down the street 
  from us…. Modelle was 41 when young Eli was born, David came a few 
  years later. She was 51 when they moved in to our neighborhood. They 
  were Eli's parents but they seemed more like Grandparents. They had 
  that Grandparent feel that all kids love. They did stuff that grandparents 
  do. Modelle fed me every time I was there. Eli Sr. let us drive his car and 
  didn't try to scare us with what would happen if we drove too fast. He 
  put up a basketball goal that we played on almost every day. I ran 
  through one of his windows playing ping pong one time, he just laughed 
  and had it fixed… Several years ago Modelle died and then a few years 
  after that Eli Sr. died. It was hard to lose them. It was like something 
  magical had been taken away … After Eli Sr's funeral I was sitting in my 
  office wondering if there was anything I could do. I knew they had more 
  food than they could eat in a month and all the details were done. There 
  wasn't really much left. Then I remembered what my dad always said 
  about funerals and weddings: "90% is just showing up." So I thought 
  the best thing I could do is just show up. I drove over to their house and 
  just as I was pulling up Patty, Eli, Lindsay, Tommy, and Avery (the whole 
  family) were walking out the front door. Eli said "want to go for a walk?" 
  … "Sure" … "Want a Cigar?" … "Sure" … and he handed me one. We lit our 
  cigars, all of us, and started walking. We walked 
  through the night laughing and smoking and telling NaNa & BooBoo 
  stories … it was one of the great moments of my life….
  
  God's like that: Most of the time all you have to do is show up. He'll take 
  it from there. Your whole life has been preparing you for the moment. Go 
  and see what happens. Don't be afraid, just go … 
  
  Maybe I'll start taking cigars to funerals. It's a great way to celebrate 
  someone's life.

Simple (aka dumb)

I crumble under cultural peer pressure sometimes. Almost all blogs have a "theme" or some clever title at least. I'm not clever. However, I did decide on a theme. Since I'm a pretty simple person, I decided that the theme of my blog will be "one word at a time." Therefore, I will base each blog entry around one word. Really it just makes me feel better about having a theme like everyone else, and I still get to write about whatever the heck I want to. We will see how this goes.

Happiness

Happiness is defined as "a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy." Now someone tell me how you reach that state of mind... Anyone? Bueller?

"Research has identified a number of attributes that correlate with happiness: relationships and social interaction, extroversion, marital status, employment, health, democratic freedom, optimism, endorphins released through physical exercise and eating chocolate, religious involvement, income and proximity to other happy people." According to this, I have some major work to do.

Overall, I feel as though I am a happy person. I have had my down times, but I always end up coming back up. However, I also know I am very prone to craving immediate fulfillment. I'm the queen of telling my friends the insane, irrational decisions I made the day or week before, while laughing (and just as often crying) because it makes no sense to me now. We do what makes us happy or feeling fulfilled in THAT moment. It's so much easier that way. But I'm realizing how often that causes us to feel more and more empty. (I don't know why I keep saying "we" and "us," because obviously I'm basing my thoughts on my own messed up life.) That happiness wears off so quickly.

I'm about to move to the number one most unhappy city in the country. Good thing I have my head on straight... Ha, right. But it has just got me to thinking. Different people find happiness, contentment, fulfillment, etc in so many different ways. Plus, so many people in our culture go for the immediate, temporary happiness. Why don't we go after the lasting happiness? What are the things that can bring lasting happiness? It's money, right? :) But seriously, I've realized that popularity, having my identity in my boyfriend, drinking too much, lying, and about 5 million other things do not bring me lasting happiness. I am trying to unravel the things that make me want to wake up in the morning. I think I thought this was going to be easier than it is.

Relationships make me get out of bed. I love loving people and feeling loved by people. I love sitting down with a friend or relative and simply having a real conversation. I love listening and learning from people I care about and respect. Then again, throw me in a room with no one I know, and I'm bound to find a connection with someone. I learn so much from hearing other people's experiences, struggles, insecurities, love life, ambitions, etc. My family really keeps me going. The older I get, the more I love and appreciate every little thing about every single member of my family.

Serving makes me get out of bed. This is something I forget too often. I know I am called to serve, and I truly find happiness in it. Now, serving is such a vague, yet broad term. This is what I mean by serving... I love using my time and energy to assist other people or an organization.

Music makes me get out of bed (literally, it's my alarm). There's nothing like listening to music that causes me to have goosebumps and makes me smile. It's invigorating and motivating to me. I love listening to words of songs and trying to think what was going on in the songwriter's head as he/she was writing the song. I love beats. I love learning from my interpretation of songs. Hey, I'm not saying all the music I listen to is good and uplifting. Heck, I'm in an eminem stage right now. If gas wasn't so damn expensive I would ride around my car with all my windows down listening to music hours at a time.

Competition and challenges make me get out of bed. I love a good challenge. I can't say competition always brings out the best in me, but I do live for it. My heart starts racing at the mere thought of competition. I even love it if it's challenging and competing with myself and my own pride. I just started appreciating running, so I challenged myself to run at least 2 miles 5-6 days a week. I hate losing or failing so I guess I have to stick to it.

Knowing that God has a greater plan for me makes me get out of bed. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the mindless routines and monotony of this world. Knowing that I can wake up every morning and it doesn't have to be about me is a very freeing feeling.

These are obviously just a few main things, but I felt like I needed to write them out to really see what came to mind. I hope remembering the importance of these things and truly seeking them out will help me to not become a part of the statistics in Portland. Now I just need to figure out how to get my fill of Vitamin D.

Bucket List

I keep thinking about things that I really want to experience/accomplish/etc before I die... so why not just go ahead and write them out in bucket list? I used to view bucket lists as morbid and unnecessary, but that's because I'm cynical and negative. Setting goals for myself is not at all a strong point of mine. Therefore, fulfilling goals, yeah... not so much. So, out of my comfort zone I am going to make a list of the things I want to do before I die. I expect this to be an ongoing post where I add things to it often.

1. Run a half marathon
2. Travel to New Zealand and Australia
3. Go to see one of my favorite bands at Red Rocks
3. Go to see one of my favorite bands at the Gorge
4. Go to a Dave Matthews Band concert anywhere
5. Float in the Dead Sea
6. Go skydiving
7. Go skydiving again
8. Learn sign language
9. Do mission work in Kenya
10. Get my masters degree
11. Find an occupation I can truly be passionate about and excel in it
12. Find the man who can love and respect me for who I am, but challenge me to be a better woman
13. Experience true love with God at the center
14. Read the entire Bible straight through
15. Join a bowling league
16. Go to Ultimate Frisbee World Championships
17. Get a sick lay-out catch in the end zone
18. Get a callahan (catching a disc on an interception in the opponent's end zone by a defensive player for a point)
19. Coach an Ultimate Frisbee team
20. Be a mentor to someone
21. Bike across the United States
22. Adopt a child
23. Have a family of my own and raise my kids to the best of my ability
24. Go to NYC during Christmas season
25. Go bungee jumping
26. Show my family how much I appreciate all they have done for me
27. Run in all 7 continents
28. Run in all 50 states
29. Learn how to snowboard


Basic start. I'll continue to update it and hopefully cross some out sooner than later!

Memphis is my love.

Home is where the heart is, right? My heart belongs to Memphis.

I feel at peace here. I go to church and there are people to hug and love me. I get to love on people who I have invested a lot of time and energy into. I go to lunch and have real, intimate conversations with people who care about me. I have people who look up to me and expect me to do the right things. I get to spend time with Tommy and Jessica and learn from them. Tommy calls me out and keeps me accountable. Jessica asks challenging questions in the least intimidating way. They both ask to spend as much time with me as possible. My dad whines whenever I go anywhere that is not by his side. I get to hear him speak on what he is most passionate about, our Savior. My mom and I go on walks and just talk about life. She tells me how proud of me she is every chance she gets. Even when I don't feel like I deserve it. They all support me and love me unconditionally. They all are incredible examples of living a life for the Lord to me and everyone that comes in contact with them. Not to mention Memphis Pizza Cafe, Jerry's Sno Cones, Tiger basketball and kind of football(love you daddy), Molly, Krissy, Memphis(dog), Runyon, culture, Sunday lunches, the Stirring, G&T with mom, I could go on forever.


I am moving to Portland in October in order to be challenged and to grow on my own. To become a stronger and more motivated person. I know I should be able to be challenged without moving across the country, but hell, what fun is that? :) I'm not saying I expect a transformation of myself, I just want a challenge and an adventure. Plus, I picked Portland because it is the safest place out of my comfort zone. Having Avery and Destiny there is going to allow me to have the support system I have a feeling I will need. Plus, I get to hang out with them whenever I want. I get to experience an entirely different culture. I'm 23 and have the rest of my life to be married or pursue a career. I'm ready to do this.

Mount St. Helens

My friend, Liz, and I used to laugh about how there was a big difference between someone who was outdoorsy and someone who was sporty. She spent her weekends in the mountains hiking, rock climbing, camping, etc. I spent mine playing 7 or 8 games of ultimate, showering, eating way too much at Olive Garden, and sleeping in a bed. Like I said in an earlier post…I’ve just never been a huge “outdoorsy” person.

So Avery called me a few months ago and asked if I wanted to “hike” Mount St. Helens with him, his friend Andy(by far Avery’s craziest friend, he lives for doing dangerous, flat out dumb things), and Andy’s mystery friend. He also said it could take up to 12 hours. To an outdoorsy person I’m sure that sounded like an awesome adventure. To me it sounded miserable, but for some reason I immediately said “yeah, of course.” I knew this trip was a time for me to step out of my comfort zone, and trust me the thought of this hike made me leap out of my comfort zone.

Needless to say, it was an experience like no other. Luckily we found out the normal time it took was actually only 6-9 hours, which made it feel like a much less daunting task. The first 45 mins to an hour was an easy stroll through the trees with patches of snow around us. I was thinking, “I got this shit.” However, once the trees broke we opened up to this gorgeous snow covered vertical climb. Seriously though, it became much less a hike and much more of snow/sand/rock climbing. To give you a better idea, there is an elevation change of 4500 feet on this 4.5 mile hike. AND the first 2 miles were an easy stroll. That’s a lot of feet with very little mileage. Oh, and did I mention that non-outdoorsy Lindsay was wearing old jeans and thrift store nike tennis shoes? Genius, right? The people we passed probably thought I was an idiot. They were all prepared with their hiking poles and crap.

Andy probably could’ve made it all the way to the summit in two and a half hours. If it weren’t for Andy’s mystery friend, Melissa, I don’t think I ever would’ve made it. However, after 4 hours, 100 bullet prayers, 500 thought cuss words, a feast of sandwiches, carrots, dried mangoes, and baked cheetos, a wonderfully distracting conversation with Melissa, and 4500 grueling feet we finally made it to the top. After Melissa walked right past the red warning flags out of excitement, we made our way to the side where we were able to look into the heart of the volcano. Unbelievable. There was steam coming out in various places, a beautiful lake right behind the crater, and Mount Ranier in the background. Words and pictures don’t even get close to giving it justice. It was truly breathtaking. We spent about 30 minutes giggling like little girls and taking an absurd amount of pictures. Then it hit me. How the hell are we going to get down this mountain? Melissa and I were hoping for a hot air balloon to come pick us up.

This is actually where the fun really began. After struggling to walk carefully down the snow-covered decline, Andy began leaping like Mario down the mountain. He seriously looked like a cartoon, but he was able to stay on his feet and moved down at a very rapid pace. Melissa, Avery, and I were not convinced we could move at such ease. However, we came across an even better way to get down the snow. Melissa slipped and fell and happened to slide a good distance down. That seemed much easier than my timid small steps/slides. I wrapped my rain jacket around my waist and just sat down… I literally flew down the mountain. Avery only had to save me from crashing into rocks once...

What took us three hours to climb only took one to descend. It was incredible!

Beloved Child

I'm going to take a step away from my adventures for a minute and possibly get too serious... If you're looking for a fun, easy blog just stop reading. I'll have another one of those up in a couple days.

I've been really challenged and encouraged by a song that I can't get out of my head. I thought maybe writing about it would help... I know it's corny, but it's a Colbie Caillat song called "It Stops Today."

"No, no, I don't want to break when I speak
I don't want to shake while I'm standing
I don't want to crawl into another hole
I don't know what I'm hiding for
No, I don't want to fall when I stand
I don't want to have to hold your hand
I just want to be the girl I use to be
when I was me and worry free
I know these burdens are my own

But I can't keep on running
No I just can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is to fight my every fear
I'm not going to make it 'til I turn
around and face it alone, I know
I can't just keep running, no I just
can't keep on running away
So it stops today

So here I am, I'm taking my first step
Thought I was losing balance but I caught myself
I kind of like the challenge, no I don't need help
I'm going to make it past the very start
it's always been my hardest part

But I'm going to stay in control
I must admit this crutch is getting old
I am going to throw it out of my hand
I'm finally here, I understand
I know I'll get there on my own

You can hide from all the pain
But it will find you anyway
Yes, I know, now I know"

I have this really bad habit of avoiding pain and numbing myself to every emotion. I'm not positive, but I think it started as early as middle school. I know it has had it's ups and downs, but mainly downs. This song has been really encouraging for me to face the crap I have done and been through in my life. If I keep running away I'll keep feeling empty. Part of my goal in coming out west is to be introspective. Since I numb myself to things, I truly don't think about my feelings, desires, etc very often. I feel like I've been living my life without my heart attached to me. I can't just keep running away from it, right? I'm ready to rely on the Lord and hopefully begin to treasure my heart along the way. I have felt more alive being on my own (relatively) out here than I have in a long time. Maybe ever. I love the line about liking the challenge. If you know me at all you know I have a slight competitive side. Okay, I can be ridiculously over-competitive. I need to be challenged and learn how to keep myself accountable. I can't always lean on other people and blame them when I don't keep up the things I set out to do.

Another quote that is extremely encouraging to me is this.... "falling in love doesn't begin with falling in love with others. it begins with falling in love with ourselves. loving ourselves is healthy and as God intended. learn to deeply and fully cherish your heart, your soul and your body and only then will you understand what it is to truly love another." I think we all need to be reminded of that from time to time. There is a balance of being selfish and taking care of yourself. Even when it may be selfish and hurt other people, if you know it's the best thing for you and your well-being then it is necessary. I suck at that, but can feel myself learning it more everyday. I love to love people, but I know I can't show them the love I am capable of until I can truly love myself. And most importantly who I am to the Lord. His Beloved Child. When I think about being his Beloved Child I can't help but be challenged to take care of my heart and use it for Him.

Yep, I needed to write all this out. Thanks.

Missoula freakin Montana

Katy had told me that everyone who comes to Missoula falls in love with it. My first night was great, but I was far from convinced. Yeah, it was gorgeous and the people seemed fine, but what's the big deal? Honestly, I can't put it into words. (Mainly because I suck at putting thoughts and feelings into words, good thing I have a communication studies degree...) But seriously, it is something that you have to experience for yourself. Here is my poor description of MY experience though...

I was fortunate enough to have Katy's sweet roommate (one of Destiny's best friends), Paige, to "babysit" me a couple days while Katy was at work. The first day we laid out by the beautiful river. Minus the rocky terrian, it was perfection: gorgeous scenery, wonderful honest conversation, and the warm Montana sun. The next day we hiked the famous M. At the top we were able to look out on the whole city of Missoula. Now, I'm not much of a hiker. Really I'm not huge on the outdoorsy stuff at all, but there is something about this place that forces you to appreciate it. It was so refreshing. After the hike we hit up a local brewery called Kettlehouse. I think this was the turning point that made me realize I was falling in love with this city. It had nothing to do with beer though (However, I did drink two beers, be proud).

A couple of my new ultimate friends were there and had made friends with this couple who was biking across the country. This is the stuff I just loved. My friends befriended these people and made them feel extremely welcome and comfortable. They made sure they had a place to stay, and my friend, Eric, even gave them contact info for his parents' house in Wisconsin in case they needed a place to crash. This is a simple thing, and I know plenty of people would offer to help, but most of us wouldn't befriend them in the first place. I know I wouldn't just start talking to a couple in a bar making sure they were taken care of in Memphis/Knoxville. It's just a different small town culture that really impressed me. But what was really unbelievable is how lucky I got... One of Paige's friends that she hadn't seen in weeks happened to be at Kettlehouse and they happened to start talking about how he was traveling to Portland on Thursday. Not to mention he hated to drive by himself and would be happy to drive someone for free... Hell yes. That sounded about 10 million times better than spending almost $200 and 20 hours for a bus and train ride back. As Katy said, "that's the kind of awesome shit that happens in this town."

The last day I was in town Paige went on a hike at 5am that I just couldn't bring myself to partake in. Luckily, Eric is working on his PhD and does it on his own time so he was able to be my babysitter for the day. We spent the early afternoon watching the kayak tournament that was happening in downtown Missoula. It was pretty incredible watching these people just throw their body and kayaks around on a man-made wave. If you want to see how awesome it really was check out Katy's blog.... http://katydidwhat-katydidwhat.blogspot.com/ where she posted a video.... However, that afternoon was possibly the best. Katy, Eric, Heather, two North Dakota guys (more guys that were just randomly befriended and invited on our adventure), and I climbed in a minivan with our tubes and a cooler full of beer. We drove a few miles and then hopped on our tubes in the beautiful river. We spent about 2 hours tubing down the river while sipping on some beer... or Mike's. :) That's a normal summer day in Missoula, MT. What the heck? I never wanted to leave.

My nights were exceptional too. We went to a minor league baseball game where we yelled "NUTS" approximately 2oo times. No, seriously we did. Apparently they were really pushing selling peanuts that night so the announcer yelled "PEA" and we had to reply by yelling "NUTS." "PEA, PEA, PEA!" "NUTS, NUTS, NUTS!" It was quite entertaining. The night ended with the most beautiful storm in the distant mountains right at sunset.

Katy wanted me to go out with a bang so my last night we went to karaoke at the Badlanders. Almost all of the ultimate team I played with the weekend before came, plus a few others. Maybe they just were desiring a night to make a fool out of themselves, but I was honored either way. It was pretty hilarious and a perfect end to a great week. My sweet Katy dedicated this song to me... absolutely beautiful, eh maybe just really sweet.





My dad said he is already looking for a plane ticket for me to come back to Missoula in February when it is bitterly cold and miserable. I know, I know. It's not always the dream city that I saw it to be, but regardless the community aspect is there. People genuinely care about other people. I don't think that changes with the season. But if you do ever visit Missoula make sure it is in later June or early July. I understand that is when it is the perfect weather and still very green.

"What are these things called kilometers?"

If you know anything about Katy Branston you know that Katy doesn't stop. So of course as soon as I get to Missoula Katy is ready to show me a good time. We spent the evening in downtown Missoula attempting to drink local beer(I stuck with bud light lime), hitting up local food vendors, listening to local music, so essentially soaking up the culture. We ended the night dancing until all my travels caught up with me, and I almost passed out on the dance floor.

I spent the next day sleeping and relaxing while Katy went to work and played with kids all day. Then we hopped in her car (yay automobile) and headed toward Revelstoke, BC. Katy was my inspiration to play ultimate frisbee so what would be a more perfect way to spend our weekend together than at an ultimate tournament in BC?! The drive there was unbelievable. The most beautiful scenery I have ever seen in my life. Not to mention we rocked out to Avril in honor of being in her homeland (poor Ryon who had to ride with us). Once it got dark and we still had 4 hours to drive on the winding roads in the mountains we decided to find a cheap hotel in Radium, BC. Ryon and I competed to see who could get the cheapest room in a strip of about 8 hotels... he turned on his charm and won by getting us a room for $65. Pretty impressive, huh? And oh what an awesome hotel it was... shag rug, 70s chandelier, and of course a bottle opener by the toilet. Once we settled in, we decided to check out the night life in Radium. We headed to the closest bar and they enjoyed a BC beer while I tried out a delicious Palm Bay vodka cooler. After trying to learn some Canadian lingo from the nicest bartender in the world, we had the privilege of witnessing a Canadian bar fight. Don't worry, they hugged it out in the end.

The next morning we grabbed a quick breakfast and continued our gorgeous drive to Revelstoke through Glacier National Park of Canada. We arrived at the fields just in time to stuff some food down our throats and start playing (492 mi/796 km, 9.5 hrs). If you never have experienced an ultimate tournament I highly recommend it. Now, don't get me wrong, I do not condone all of the activities involved, but it is an experience like no other. The actual game of ultimate is basically an afterthought to themed teams, crude cheers, after game spirit awards and activities, drinking, food, and of course the tournament party. As the only American team of the tournament we appropriately called our team South of the Border and not so appropriately dressed up in sombreros, fake mustaches, and panchos or plaid red shirts.

It didn't take long to warm up to my Missoulian teammates who welcomed me in by calling me Kristen (miscommunication that caused me to answer to a new name for almost a week) and serving me a frozen margarita by 2 o'clock in the afternoon. That's right, someone brought a gas powered blender to the fields. After waxing 4 teams and making 8 players play pin the tail on the donkey after taking a shot of tequila and being spun around we made our way to the indoor pool/slide/climbing wall/diving board. I haven't felt more like a kid in years. The evening consisted of Little Caesar's pizza (katy and I wouldn't have it any other way) and then dancing like a hippie at the Revelstoke music festival.

With a 9 and a half hour drive looming over us, Sunday was a little less exciting. We pulled out wins in the quarter and semi finals and then crumbled in the finals. I still have yet to win a freaking tournament. Katy and I recruited two of the other girls, Martha and Leah, to ride with us on the way back. We stayed entertained by chugging energy drinks, putting "Kristen" in the hot seat and asking her every question imaginable, eating everything in sight, and watching Super Troopers in the back seat. This was test two for my faith... Telling these girls my dad is a pastor at a mega-church in Memphis, TN and that I do think sex should be saved for marriage is like telling them I could shoot rockets out of elbows. They were anything but judgmental, but they asked some tough questions that made me question how well I really understood my own faith. You just don't think about these things when you live in the bible belt your whole life. In some ways it was very refreshing.

Planes, trains, and buses... automobiles come later.

What a rush. Let me start from the beginning.

Arriving in Portland was extremely exciting. (2,263 mi, 7 hrs) Destiny picked me up from the airport and we immediately drove to avery's work to bring him lunch (they do this every single day). It was a gorgeous day! 68 and sunny... quite different from the 98 and humid as crap that I am used to. I think I said "it feels amazing" approximately 40 times the first two days. After unpacking and repacking the next day I boarded an Amtrak train headed to Whitefish, MT. As soon as I boarded the train I knew I was in for an adventure. I walked in and a middle-aged woman who was, well I'll just put it nicely by saying she was homely, approached me and asked me to sit with her. I suppose I can be a pushover because I just smiled and sat next to her despite the 30 plus empty chairs around me. She proceeded to tell me how she gets nauseated and extremely anxious on trains. Perfect. Just what I was hoping for on a 14 hour ride... By the grace of God, I looked down at my ticket and saw that it had a different train number than hers and everyone else's around us. I made the excuse of going to ask the attendant and managed to find a seat all to myself as far away from her as possible. (call me a jerk, you know you would've done the same thing) After an hour and a half delay and reserving my two seats by faking sleep as another train transferred onto ours I finally started my trek to Missoula.


Now, I expected a peaceful ride of listening to my music and reading while sipping on the wine I hid in a water bottle, but luckily that was not the case. A 31 year old, already drunk lady wearing green way over-sized sunglasses, and the hairiest armpits ever sat across the aisle from me, but quickly headed to the lounge area once the bar opened. A 30 year old creepy man (Anthony) who brought his own bottle of vodka (which was quickly confiscated as he was giving 19 year olds shots), and wore a "trendy" grandpa hat to cover his balding head sat diagonally from me. Then there were the sweet and normal 18-20 (Lizzy, Jake, and Kevin) year olds around. Somehow we all started talking and laughing and getting to know each other. It's funny how God works. One of the things I've been challenging myself to do recently is more openly share my faith. He swung a door wide open for me on this train. Kevin came over to sit by me (mainly to make fun of how Anthony kept trying to hit on me) and we struck up a wonderful conversation. Without even meaning to I was pushed to talk about my faith. I don't know that I made a huge impact on Kevin, but he seemed intrigued and encouraged by what I had to say. I'll come back to this topic later on. Anyway, around 1am we arrived in Spokane, WA where everyone in our group except Anthony was getting off the train. However, Anthony and hairy armpit lady were singing and being belligerent right before we arrived and actually were kicked off the train in Spokane. It was kind of awesome.


This is where the journey to Missoula goes downhill... We were forced to transfer to buses in Spokane which meant attempting to get my night's sleep on a cramped bus. And this bus made young life and youth over night bus trips seem like a first class resort bus. We arrived in Whitefish around 730am, and I was plenty grouchy and greasy. Now, maybe you will consider this irresponsible, but I just think it was faith and spontaneity... I had no idea how I was going to get from Whitefish to Missoula. I found out there was a bus station about 20 minutes south of Whitefish that would put me on a bus to Missoula so I simply asked the bus drivers that were dropping us off in Whitefish where they were headed next. Conveniently enough they were headed south and graciously offered to take me to the bus station. So once in Kalispell, MT I spent an hour in the lobby of a super 8 waiting for the bus station to open and then 3 and a half more hours in the bus depot waiting to leave for Missoula. After another 3 hours in a bus finally I see this cute girl in a tie-dyed shirt and patagonia shorts jumping up and down as the bus pulls into the Missoula bus station. Ahhhhh.... Missoula, MT and my best friend in the world (736 mi, 22 hrs).

I definitely forgot to express how MAGNIFICENTLY BEAUTIFUL it was everywhere. It was awesome looking out at the Columbia River from the train. A beautiful river in front of snow-capped mountains. Breathtaking. The bus ride from Whitefish to Missoula was also gorgeous, but at that point I think I was more focused on getting off the freaking bus.

The Journey Begins...

I thought I'd try this blogging thing. Mainly because I suck at journaling and I want to keep a record of this time in my life. I hit the point where I realized I could do almost anything I wanted, yet I was doing everything that made me feel worthless. So after talking to a wise, practical man who told me that whatever I do I should NEVER quit my job before I get another one, I quit my job and moved all my stuff back to my parents house. Oooops.

I decided I want to go on my own adventure. Now, if you know me at all you know that I am not the most independent person in the world. I like being surrounded by people who know me and love me. So an adventure for me might be different than for most people. I decided what could be better than spending time with my brother and his wife as well as my best friend in the whole world? Nothing! So that's where I am. I leave for Portland at 6:05 am tomorrow and have a return flight on July 22nd. I am overflowing with excitement. I am trying my best to not have unattainable expectations, but I am positive that I want to improve myself on this journey. I want to be more confident in my own skin and better learn how to rely on the Lord while I'm somewhat out of my comfort zone. In order to grow you have to challenge yourself right? That's my goal... Along with learning choreographed dances, reading harry potter, hiking mount st helens, etc. :)

But for now I must sleep. My alarm goes off at 4am!