Avoidance

This seems like such a theme in my life. I talked about it a little bit in my "Beloved Child" entry in relation to pain, but I'm realizing how true it is in many aspects of my life. For example, right now I am completely avoiding packing/cleaning/crying/writing Tommy and Jessica a thank you note/etc. It drives my mom crazy how much of a procrastinator I am, but really it's the only way I know how to work. I work much better under pressure. However, there are some things that are easier to avoid completely. I'm currently avoiding the realization that I'm leaving my family in 3 days. If you know me at all, you know that I love my family more than anything in the world....

Funny thing, I wrote that a couple days ago and ended up avoiding finishing it. Anyway, I'm pretty much all packed up and ready to go. My mom and I hit the road in about nine hours. It's definitely surreal still. I'm moving across the country for an indefinite period of time (my parents hate the word indefinite, and Jessica has taken it upon herself to convince everyone that I'll be back in a year in hopes that I'll begin to believe it). I really don't know what to feel so this might be a bit choppy and random. I had to numb myself out today or else I wouldn't have been able to function. I'm sick of people thinking me and my family are crazy for being as upset about this as we are. It's hard stuff. We love being around each other and being a part of each others' everyday lives. Is that such a terrible thing? My family is my support system. My accountability. My passion. I can't wait to be a part of Avery and Destiny's lives, but it is still going to be hard. Especially without my parents. Maybe I still depend on them too much at times, but they are such an inspiration and rock to me. I live for walks with my mom and ball games with my dad. I look to them every time I need any guidance and whole-heartedly trust them. I used to hate Jessica Hagenbrok. Hated her. She has become my best friend. Funny how God works, right? Tommy and I haven't fought in years now. We finally truly understand each other. Watching Tommy and Jessica in their marriage is incredibly inspiring. I could go on forever, but that would cause me to stop avoiding my emotions.

I think I am ridiculously excited somewhere down there too. I know that no matter how tough this might be, it will be an experience that will challenge me and force me to have faith.

So how do I stop avoiding things? I don't know. I need to go to sleep. Pray for me please.