Hide-N-Seek

I am sketchy. I am deceptive. I hide things like it's my job.

When I was an 8th grader, a junior in high school started pursuing me. He was involved with youth group, sweet, and caring. I asked my parents if I could hang out with him... HA! Was I seriously thinking they would say yes? So, I "dated" him for nine months behind my parents' backs. It was the worst and best feeling in the world. I hated myself for deceiving my parents and was constantly feeling overwhelmed and nervous. However, it was a rush. I was being rebellious, adventurous, and getting attention from an older guy. I thought I was on top of the world. I guess this is when my streak of hiding stuff began. Well, big stuff at least.

I'm still trying to end the streak. I have been confronted and challenged by people close to me a lot recently. I decided I wanted to live my life in a whole new way. I want to not have anything in my life that I feel like I need to hide from the people that mean the most to me. I don't know why I have sketchy tendencies. Maybe it stems from being a PK. Always feeling pressure to do right, so even if it isn't a big deal, I feel like I need to hide anything questionable.  I guess I sometimes feel judged. But when I step back and think about it, I realize that I am doing some things that I should be ashamed of. I can be too stubborn to allow anyone to keep me accountable so I avoid my closest friends and family. Not exactly an ideal way to live life.

I think this could be an incredible way to start living my life differently. I need people here on earth to keep me accountable. I know I am going to disappoint. No one likes to disappoint. I don't think that should be something that overcomes our lives and cripples us though. I want to seek the Lord and my loved ones. The Lord is watching over me and aware of everything I think and do. There is no hiding from Him. This book that I am reading talks about being one whom God respects. Now that's a challenge. Seems pretty impossible, but I don't think it is. "Choose to humble yourself by submitting to His greatness every day."

Living a life with nothing to hide is incredibly freeing already. I stress and worry less. I feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin. I am having conversations with friends and family, and we are able to grow and strengthen our relationship so much more based on openness and honesty. I am growing closer to the Lord without shame.