Beloved Child

I'm going to take a step away from my adventures for a minute and possibly get too serious... If you're looking for a fun, easy blog just stop reading. I'll have another one of those up in a couple days.

I've been really challenged and encouraged by a song that I can't get out of my head. I thought maybe writing about it would help... I know it's corny, but it's a Colbie Caillat song called "It Stops Today."

"No, no, I don't want to break when I speak
I don't want to shake while I'm standing
I don't want to crawl into another hole
I don't know what I'm hiding for
No, I don't want to fall when I stand
I don't want to have to hold your hand
I just want to be the girl I use to be
when I was me and worry free
I know these burdens are my own

But I can't keep on running
No I just can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is to fight my every fear
I'm not going to make it 'til I turn
around and face it alone, I know
I can't just keep running, no I just
can't keep on running away
So it stops today

So here I am, I'm taking my first step
Thought I was losing balance but I caught myself
I kind of like the challenge, no I don't need help
I'm going to make it past the very start
it's always been my hardest part

But I'm going to stay in control
I must admit this crutch is getting old
I am going to throw it out of my hand
I'm finally here, I understand
I know I'll get there on my own

You can hide from all the pain
But it will find you anyway
Yes, I know, now I know"

I have this really bad habit of avoiding pain and numbing myself to every emotion. I'm not positive, but I think it started as early as middle school. I know it has had it's ups and downs, but mainly downs. This song has been really encouraging for me to face the crap I have done and been through in my life. If I keep running away I'll keep feeling empty. Part of my goal in coming out west is to be introspective. Since I numb myself to things, I truly don't think about my feelings, desires, etc very often. I feel like I've been living my life without my heart attached to me. I can't just keep running away from it, right? I'm ready to rely on the Lord and hopefully begin to treasure my heart along the way. I have felt more alive being on my own (relatively) out here than I have in a long time. Maybe ever. I love the line about liking the challenge. If you know me at all you know I have a slight competitive side. Okay, I can be ridiculously over-competitive. I need to be challenged and learn how to keep myself accountable. I can't always lean on other people and blame them when I don't keep up the things I set out to do.

Another quote that is extremely encouraging to me is this.... "falling in love doesn't begin with falling in love with others. it begins with falling in love with ourselves. loving ourselves is healthy and as God intended. learn to deeply and fully cherish your heart, your soul and your body and only then will you understand what it is to truly love another." I think we all need to be reminded of that from time to time. There is a balance of being selfish and taking care of yourself. Even when it may be selfish and hurt other people, if you know it's the best thing for you and your well-being then it is necessary. I suck at that, but can feel myself learning it more everyday. I love to love people, but I know I can't show them the love I am capable of until I can truly love myself. And most importantly who I am to the Lord. His Beloved Child. When I think about being his Beloved Child I can't help but be challenged to take care of my heart and use it for Him.

Yep, I needed to write all this out. Thanks.