Intense

My good friend, Nathan Dugger sent me a text message yesterday that really made me laugh, then made me think. This was the text I received... "Dude your blog is intense. It's not like a 'glance over it when you're bored' blog. It's a 'pay attention cuz this shit is deep' blog." Thanks, Nate...

If you know Nathan, you know that this guy is an incredible person. He is real. Sarcastic, but real. He will give it to you straight, no matter what. Alright, so Nathan is still a male (no offense guys, but you know it's true) so he doesn't necessarily show his emotions and feelings on his sleeve, but he'd be happy to be honest and open when questioned. Nathan doesn't get caught up in the cultural pressures, he goes after what he wants and desires. You know what makes this even more impressive? Nathan could be a huge jerk. Nathan is by far the most talented person I know. He travels the country playing guitar while making every guy envious and every girl weak at the knees. He knows this, but doesn't let it get to him. He has a wonderful, brilliant, and beautiful girlfriend that trusts him and supports him. All that to say, Nathan is someone who inspires me. I know in Nathan's own little way through that text he was telling me he was proud of me (Nate, if you're reading this and that's not at all what your text meant, just let me believe differently).

Enough about Nathan, this blog is supposed to be about me. ;) I'm proud of the fact that my blog is considered "intense." I am working towards going deeper in my own life, so I can't help showing that in writing out my thoughts. I know most blogs are about traveling, training for marathons/triathlons, crafts (shout-out to destinycraftherpants), etc, but my passion right now is growth, living life to the fullest, searching for my heart, and following Christ. That is intense shit! I want to be real. I want to not be influenced by the cultural pressures, but instead go after what I believe I'm supposed to go after. It is so easy for us to live our lives at the surface level. Go through the motions and still feel satisfied. That's what I've been doing, and I'm using this blog as an outlet to push myself to change. And honestly, I'm jealous of the people who are training, traveling, crafting their pants, etc. But that's not my journey right now. Well, my next post will hopefully be about my road trip from Memphis to Portland, but I have a feeling it will be more about emotions than landmarks.

Back to working on my damn resume... Maybe my passion should be more about finding a job...

Avoidance

This seems like such a theme in my life. I talked about it a little bit in my "Beloved Child" entry in relation to pain, but I'm realizing how true it is in many aspects of my life. For example, right now I am completely avoiding packing/cleaning/crying/writing Tommy and Jessica a thank you note/etc. It drives my mom crazy how much of a procrastinator I am, but really it's the only way I know how to work. I work much better under pressure. However, there are some things that are easier to avoid completely. I'm currently avoiding the realization that I'm leaving my family in 3 days. If you know me at all, you know that I love my family more than anything in the world....

Funny thing, I wrote that a couple days ago and ended up avoiding finishing it. Anyway, I'm pretty much all packed up and ready to go. My mom and I hit the road in about nine hours. It's definitely surreal still. I'm moving across the country for an indefinite period of time (my parents hate the word indefinite, and Jessica has taken it upon herself to convince everyone that I'll be back in a year in hopes that I'll begin to believe it). I really don't know what to feel so this might be a bit choppy and random. I had to numb myself out today or else I wouldn't have been able to function. I'm sick of people thinking me and my family are crazy for being as upset about this as we are. It's hard stuff. We love being around each other and being a part of each others' everyday lives. Is that such a terrible thing? My family is my support system. My accountability. My passion. I can't wait to be a part of Avery and Destiny's lives, but it is still going to be hard. Especially without my parents. Maybe I still depend on them too much at times, but they are such an inspiration and rock to me. I live for walks with my mom and ball games with my dad. I look to them every time I need any guidance and whole-heartedly trust them. I used to hate Jessica Hagenbrok. Hated her. She has become my best friend. Funny how God works, right? Tommy and I haven't fought in years now. We finally truly understand each other. Watching Tommy and Jessica in their marriage is incredibly inspiring. I could go on forever, but that would cause me to stop avoiding my emotions.

I think I am ridiculously excited somewhere down there too. I know that no matter how tough this might be, it will be an experience that will challenge me and force me to have faith.

So how do I stop avoiding things? I don't know. I need to go to sleep. Pray for me please.

Inspiring

I stole this from Mack Oates. A. Because it's about my grandparents who were the most amazing people on the planet. B. It's an encouraging message.

Walking with Cigars
  I had just finished cooking for a rehearsal dinner and was standing 
  around visiting when Patty Morris, a lifelong friend, came up and gave 
  me a hug. My wife PK was there and we started talking about weddings 
  and families and Patty said "You remember that time we walked around 
  the block smoking cigars?" ……. When I was growing up Patty's husband 
  Eli and I were best friends, we've known each other since we were 10, 
  46 years. We're still close, his office is 30 feet from mine…. His mom and 
  dad were like second parents to me, I spent as many hours at his house 
  as I did at mine, probably more if you don't count sleep. To me his mom 
  was Modelle (mo - dell) and his dad was Eli Sr. … Later when the 
  grandkids showed up their names got changed to NaNa & BooBoo … 
  They were the sweetest people in the whole world. We did all kinds of 
  stupid things, but never really got in trouble. It was always fun and 
  comfortable to be in their house… Modelle always called me "darling" and 
  gave me a big hug every time I walked in the house … In her younger 
  years she was a Rockette at Radio City Music Hall in New York. Later 
  she and her sister were a dance team that traveled around the country 
  doing shows like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. At one point they 
  were the opening act at the Peabody Hotel here in Memphis where Eli 
  Sr was a Bell Hop with the little round hat and uniform, just like in the 
  movies .. They could tell stories for hours … Imagine your mom being a 
  Rockette!!!   They got married, had kids and moved in down the street 
  from us…. Modelle was 41 when young Eli was born, David came a few 
  years later. She was 51 when they moved in to our neighborhood. They 
  were Eli's parents but they seemed more like Grandparents. They had 
  that Grandparent feel that all kids love. They did stuff that grandparents 
  do. Modelle fed me every time I was there. Eli Sr. let us drive his car and 
  didn't try to scare us with what would happen if we drove too fast. He 
  put up a basketball goal that we played on almost every day. I ran 
  through one of his windows playing ping pong one time, he just laughed 
  and had it fixed… Several years ago Modelle died and then a few years 
  after that Eli Sr. died. It was hard to lose them. It was like something 
  magical had been taken away … After Eli Sr's funeral I was sitting in my 
  office wondering if there was anything I could do. I knew they had more 
  food than they could eat in a month and all the details were done. There 
  wasn't really much left. Then I remembered what my dad always said 
  about funerals and weddings: "90% is just showing up." So I thought 
  the best thing I could do is just show up. I drove over to their house and 
  just as I was pulling up Patty, Eli, Lindsay, Tommy, and Avery (the whole 
  family) were walking out the front door. Eli said "want to go for a walk?" 
  … "Sure" … "Want a Cigar?" … "Sure" … and he handed me one. We lit our 
  cigars, all of us, and started walking. We walked 
  through the night laughing and smoking and telling NaNa & BooBoo 
  stories … it was one of the great moments of my life….
  
  God's like that: Most of the time all you have to do is show up. He'll take 
  it from there. Your whole life has been preparing you for the moment. Go 
  and see what happens. Don't be afraid, just go … 
  
  Maybe I'll start taking cigars to funerals. It's a great way to celebrate 
  someone's life.

Simple (aka dumb)

I crumble under cultural peer pressure sometimes. Almost all blogs have a "theme" or some clever title at least. I'm not clever. However, I did decide on a theme. Since I'm a pretty simple person, I decided that the theme of my blog will be "one word at a time." Therefore, I will base each blog entry around one word. Really it just makes me feel better about having a theme like everyone else, and I still get to write about whatever the heck I want to. We will see how this goes.