invincible.

adjective:

1. incapable of being conquered, defeated, or subdued

2. insuperable; insurmountable 

It is so easy to feel invincible. And I am not sure that is a bad thing. 

This is Justin and Anna. Justin has been my neighbor in our small apartment complex for almost a year. As soon as he moved in, I knew he was something special. I desired to be around him. He is one of those people who exudes positivity. Justin and I were no means close friends, but we were always intentional. When our paths crossed as we were headed out on an adventure, bike ride, grocery run, or simply work, we made sure to talk about real life. We shared about relationships and struggles and joy. 

Justin and Anna were killed in a head-on collision while driving out to hike on the Columbia River Gorge on Wednesday afternoon. As morbid as it is, I find it appropriate that Justin and Anna died seeking adventure and exploring. 

Justin lived life like he was invincible. He wanted to do and see everything and bring light to those around him along the way. My neighbors and I were crying and sharing stories last night, and we couldn't help continuing to question why they were the ones to die. They both were gifts to this earth. I'm going to celebrate them and invite you to contribute to their families as they mourn the loss of their child, brother, and sister.

I never want to live in fear, but I also want to remember that my time on this world could end at any second. It sounds cliche, but in painful times like this I am reminded to live each day to the fullest. It reminds me to stop wallowing in self-pity and do the things that make me happy. 

So today I am spending the day with my nephews and tonight I am going on a group bike ride.

easton.

I'll never forget the day that Destiny told Austin and me that we should watch this video that she made for Avery in celebration of him finishing his Masters. Watching this video now, I feel so silly for not knowing what was actually going on. We watched the video side by side on their loveseat while they watched over our shoulders waiting for our reaction. If you know me at all, you know that my reaction was full of tears and hugs. I was so excited for us to be aunt and uncle to this new bundle of joy. If you have an extra few minutes you should watch it... I still cry every single time.

Today I spent the day with two year old Easton. I picked him up, and he immediately said, "kitties." I let him know that we would see the kitties later, but for now we were going to go get ice cream on the MAX (our light rail). He loves the MAX. We sat and waited for the red line and got to watch cars on the highway pass. He kept saying "whoa, fast," and "Linny, look." Once we got on the MAX, he sat next to me and held my hand. We watched people get on and off, talked about the bridges, and looked at the mountains. At every stop he looked up at me and asked, "more?." Once we got to the frozen yogurt shop, he stuck by my side as we sampled the different flavors and made our choices. After eating our froyo, we walked over to Target to buy new sunglasses and toys for Linny's home. I was amazed by Easton's ability to pick out what he wanted when given choices and his obedience when I asked him come on and put the toys back. We checked out and got back on the MAX to go see the kitties. While walking back to my apartment from the MAX station, Easton looked at me, kissed me and said "I love you, Linny." Heart. Broken. In the best way possible.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own self-pity and selfish desires. It is so refreshing to be around Easton's innocence and excitement over what I constantly take for granted. I had no idea how much joy someone could bring to my life. Easton was born exactly two months after Austin and I separated. Easton will always have a special place in my heart because of the timing that he entered my life. I felt so hopeless and he gave me hope. I felt so much resentment, and he softened my heart. I still struggle with feeling insufficient and lost, but Easton thinks I'm grounded. Easton loves his Linny. I know I can't get all my worth from that, but it does help remind me that I am more than my insecurities and self-pity.

Chameleon

It has recently been shoved in my face that I am a chameleon. Things being shoved in your face hurts and chameleons are less than attractive. I have always said that I value people who are "real." I love people that don't bullshit and that don't put on a show just to be accepted by the particular crowd that they are currently around. Well, that's the exact opposite of what I've been doing. In fact, I will happily go out of my way to one up you. You are cynical and make lots of jokes about people? Perfect, I will make jokes about people that are incredibly hurtful and even change my attitude about that person just to "impress" you. You judge Christians? NO WAY, me too! Oh wait, now I am surrounded by people who love and serve Jesus well... I can totally do that too.

I think I learned this a really long time ago growing up as a preacher's kid. I had to fend for myself within the church as well as still keep up with the world. I didn't want to be placed in a box. I believe in a healthy balance. I never want to stop being a part of the church, and I will always value the importance of being a part of the world. Since moving to Portland, I have grown an even bigger appreciation of the beauties of the world. I know that we are meant to enjoy and share His creation. I think that includes the mountains and greenery, as well as man-made bridges and bike lanes, as well as the ultimate creation of human life. Speaking of, have you seen how cute my nephews and niece are?



I share this to challenge myself. I want to be true to myself. I want to be real. I don't want to try to impress others. Really though, conforming isn't attractive. Chameleons are funny looking.