grace.

My leader in college told me that I didn't believed in grace.

Excuse me? I am 19 years old and have grown up in the church. I obviously believe in grace... Alright, so I got a little defensive. I decided to give examples of how I believe in God's grace... they just happen to all be in relation to other people. He immediately pointed out that I believe and embrace grace when it comes to others, but I don't believe in God's grace in relation to myself. That conversation has stuck with me. It truly is easy for me to preach grace, but I can't get my mind or heart around it when it involves ME.

I have done some really crappy things. Especially to people who I care about. I have been selfish, used, abused, and flat out betrayed the people who mean the most to me. Yet, I hate hurting people. I can't forgive myself. I don't feel like I deserve my own forgiveness, let alone the other person's. So I definitely don't deserve the Lord's forgiveness and unconditional love. It eats away at me. Then I do something else crappy, and it all piles up. Seems like an endless cycle.

“When the mask of self-righteousness has been torn from us and we stand stripped of all our accustomed defenses, we are candidates for God's generous grace.” -Erwin W. Lutzer

I feel like I need to earn what I receive. I have done way too much crap to deserve God's grace. If I accept God's grace then I will have the mindset of "oh well, I can sin, God forgives me no matter what." It just all terrifies me. Somehow I can look at grace as a lose-lose situation. This is totally the mask of self-righteousness. I want to be stripped of all my defenses.

"That is the mystery of grace: it never comes too late." -François Mauriac

Now I don't know that any of our small human brains can completely understand grace, but I do think God made our hearts to be capable of accepting it. (“We cannot "psychologize" the grace of God. God's actions are outside and above our human sciences.” -John Powell) Grace is defined as "the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God; the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them; a virtue or excellence of divine origin." That is so beautiful. Still pretty impossible to get my mind around, but beautiful nonetheless.

I will leave you with some more wonderful quotes by much smarter people on grace. I know it is a lot, but they all seemed powerful to me. I italicized and made bold what really spoke to me...

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone be found boasting. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:8-10

“The burden of life is from ourselves, its lightness from the grace of Christ and the love of God.” -William Bernard Ullanthorne

 

“The law detects, grace alone conquers sin.” - Saint Augustine of Hippo

 

“Grace isn't a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It's a way to live."-Dwight Lyman Moody  

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

 

“Grace is available for each of us every day - our spiritual daily bread - but we've got to remember to ask for it with a grateful heart and not worry about whether there will be enough for tomorrow.” - Sarah Ban Breathnach

 

“Grace is the good pleasure of God that inclines him to bestow benefits upon the undeserving. It is a self-existent principle inherent in the divine nature and appears to us as a self-caused propensity to pity the wretched, spare the guilty, welcome the outcast, and bring into favor those who were before under just disapprobation. Its use to us sinful men is to save us and make us sit together in heavenly places to demonstrate to the ages the exceeding riches of God's kindness to us in Christ Jesus.” -A. W. Tozer

 

“The grace of God is infinite and eternal. As it had no beginning, so it can have no end, and being an attribute of God, it is as boundless as infinitude.”

 

“Grace is God himself, his loving energy at work within his church and within our souls.” - Evelyn Underhill

I am so thankful for all that I am learning about God's grace. I am continually working towards opening up my heart, but I have come to accept the (earthly) life-long struggle. I am grateful that I have a God who thinks I am worth it. I'm also grateful for a leader who would call me out on my lack of faith and acceptance of all that God is capable of (although I resented that comment for years). 

bicicleta.

Living in Portland I guess it was inevitable... I have fallen in love with biking.

Austin bought me a bike for our 6 month anniversary (he has officially set the bar high), and I had no idea how grateful I was going to be.

The last few weeks I have averaged about 85 miles of biking a week. I bike 11 miles round trip to my school every weekday, and Austin and I bike over 8 miles round trip to church twice a week. Besides those miles, I also find myself having to bike between school sites or other meetings throughout the week... and of course the occasional Swirl (fro-yo) run. It's so nice. I don't fear for my life because people are very aware of bikers, AND I don't end up with a sweat-drenched shirt due to heat and humidity.

I have also learned that biking has been a type of therapy for me. I love starting my day with a bike ride. It really helps me wake up and mentally prepare for my day. I also find much pleasure in biking after a long, tough day at work. It's extremely freeing. Not to mention it has probably already saved me a couple hundred dollars in gas.

Don't forget, everyone looks silly in a helmet... but really, the people that look the dumbest are the ones who put their lives on the line by not wearing a helmet (Mom and Dad, that one is for you).

Random side note, I want to apologize to Senora Coleman, Mr. E, and whoever my college Spanish teacher was. I did not care about your class, and now I deeply regret it. In my last two jobs it would have been EXTREMELY beneficial to know how to speak Spanish... Lo siento.

Me encanta mi bicicleta. 

roadtrip2

A better update to come, but for now...

AUSTIN'S HERE! I picked him up early May. It was an amazing trip to Knoxville and Memphis to see friends and family. It went by WAY too quickly though. I miss everyone a whole lot, and it was super tough only being home for a couple days. It reminded me how blessed I truly am though. Then Austin and I hit the road.
Day 1: Memphis-Chicago: 8ish hours. fun times hanging out with his brother and friends.
Day 2: Chicago-Fargo: 11 LONG hours. interesting. stayed with one of Austin's teacher's brother and wife? random, right? it turned out awesome! They were great and welcomed us with open arms. Ended up having wonderful conversation over a beer.
Day 3: Fargo-Billings: 9ish hours. BEST MEAL EVER

Day 4: Billings-Missoula: 5 short hours. BEST FRIEND EVER. :) spent all afternoon and night with katy and ended our time together with an early morning hike.

Day 5: Missoula-Portland: 9 hours. Beautiful drive. Bittersweet lunch with Alex and Jon who moved from Portland the same day.

It's been wonderful and refreshing having him here and incorporating him into my life. He lived with Avery and Destiny for a couple weeks, but found a place with 3 of my coworkers in an awesome duplex. He also quickly found a job working for Pacific Interpreters as the recruiting intern. He recruits translators of some crazy dialects to be medical interpreters... I'm still learning what that means. :) Regardless, it's an awesome job, and he's a stud for getting it.

More to come soon...

Prayer.

 "I believe that profit often meets and joins the person who prays as he ought or who makes every effort to do so as far as he is able. First, the person who composes his mind for prayer is inevitably profited in some way. Through his very disposition for prayer he adorns himself so as to present himself to God and to speak to Him in person as to someone who looks upon him and is present."
 ~Origen of Alexandria

I have no idea who he is or why he has any credibility, but I like what he has to say. I'm not one to do lots of research, so according to the very little research that I did, he's some theologian from the 200s who castrated himself. Sounds hard core (or completely crazy) to me.
Again, either way I like his words. I like that he addresses profiting from prayer. If we prepare our minds for talking to the God of the universe it will without a doubt benefit us. I also think he is trying to communicate that by the simple act of praying we are humbling ourselves before the Lord and conversationally approaching him. Those are the things that popped out to me.

 "...it seems to me that the person who is about to come to prayer should withdraw for a little and prepare himself, and so become more attentive and active for the whole of his prayer. He should cast away all temptation and troubling thoughts and remind himself so far as he is able of the Majesty whom he approaches, and that it is impious to approach Him carelessly, sluggishly, and disdainfully; and he should put away all extraneous things. This is how he should come to prayer: stretching out his soul, as it were, instead of his hand; straining his mind toward God, instead of his eyes; raising his governing reason from the ground and standing it before the Lord of all, instead of standing."

I love that. I felt like I could have italicized or bolden? boldize? made bold? almost every single word. I am very prone to pray out of obligation and definitely with little thought. I have thought a lot about being intentional with prayer since reading this. There is so much meat in this that I can't even begin to break down. I would rather just share it and let each person pull out what it means to them and explore how it encourages them. Although, I will say that I'm making sure I don't take from this that I shouldn't approach the Lord unless I can completely focus for at least an hour or more. I think there is great importance in being prayerful throughout the day, every day (1 Timothy 2:8). I think he is trying to illustrate the equal importance of finding the time and energy to pray in a more intentional and thoughtful way.

"It seems to me that there are four topics that need to be sketched out and that I have found them scattered in the Scriptures. Each person should organize his prayer according to these topics. This is what they are:
1. In the beginning and the preface of the prayer, something having the force of praise should be said of God through Christ, who is praised with Him, and by the Holy Spirit, who is hymned with Him.
2. After this, each person should place general thanksgivings, bringing forward for thanksgiving the benefits given many people and those he has received from God.
3. After thanksgiving, it seems to me that he ought to blame himself bitterly before God for his own sins and then asks first, for healing that he may be delivered from the habit that brings him to sin and, second, for forgiveness of the sins that have been committed.
4. After confession, the fourth topic that seems to me must be asses is the request for great and heavenly things, both private and general, and concerning this household and his dearest. And, finally, the prayer should be concluded with a doxolgy of God through Christ in the Holy Spirit..."

I love structure and direction. I love the book of James because it straight up tells me what to do and what not to do. I love this suggestion for how to approach prayer. I don't see it as legalism but rather a genuine attempt to help guide in this abstract thing called praying.

I want to approach prayer thoughtfully, intentionally, and frequently.

(Thank you Imago Dei youth group for the wonderful discussion about prayer in relation to Origen's words that inspired this post.)

Emmanuel.

It's fun to steal someone else's words... Makes my job a lot easier. Austin has told me a few times how much he loves the word "Emmanuel." He loves all that it encompasses. So I asked him to write out all that it means to him for me (I definitely had ulterior motives, but either way I was excited to hear what it meant to him). This is his beautiful response. It was definitely encouraging to me. Not to mention I kinda like the loving words he says about me...


"One of the best gifts I have ever been given is wrapped around my wrist right now...

Emmanuel: God with us. Emmanuel or Immanuel is only written a few times in scripture, but I love how it is used. Emmanuel is explained by Matthew as meaning, "God with us," but it is his description for Christ so it is also one way I see the development of the trinity actually written in scripture. Since there is only reference of the trinity in the bible, I think it is pretty cool that Matthew would use Hebrew terminology to speak about the coming of Christ. "God with us" transcends time and space. If we are to consider the tenses of "God with us" we can see that time is transcended as the meaning could read "God was with us," "God is with us," and "God will be with us." When I think about God being with us in the past I think of other scripture that reminds us of the Lord's consideration of us before the foundations of the earth; He knew us before we were a thought or a possibility, He knew us before our countless generations that came before us...God was with us. "God is with us," communicates to me the immediacy of who God is and his activity; God was not only once and is gone, (Niche- existentialist philosopher who claimed God was dead)  he currently is present and active. When we can understand that the Lord is present with us, I honestly believe we can find peace at a time we could not imagine. When we find peace in the midst of our shattered broken hearts, minds, bodies and souls I believe the connectivity and thanksgiving should be directed at God as well as those whom he puts in our life to find peace. The relationships the Lord puts in our lives exist to help bring a peace that is ever striving to simply be with God. As the moments match up with the will of the Lord, we experience the Lord as He IS with us. "God will be with us" walks us onto a path of energy for the future. Sometimes I want to hold on to what's happening now, or an experience but I must keep in mind the Lord is calling me to move forward. I am called to pursue difficult goals and persevere through failure as well as success. I cannot dwell on either one success or one failure but must consider what is to come so that I can work hard in preparation of the unknown struggles, fears, hurt etc. to come. I see the Lord transcending time, and to wear His name on my wrist is a privilege and a privilege that I neither deserve nor can completely fathom.

Emmanuel communicates more to me than just God "being" with us, but also that we are with him. Your tattoo reminds me of this, "Beloved Child." Children are not claimed if they are not wanted and desired. The Lord claims us through calling us his children, through his adoption of us as lost and homeless orphans. A father is quick to hold his child in a storm or after a bad dream, you and I hug to pour out affection. When our parents or our friends embrace us, we experience God. Emmanuel is displayed throughout our daily life and life together. Emmanuel brings peace because, as Job experienced, it sometimes feels as though all we have is Emmanuel and sometimes it feels as if we have no one, not even God but we can rest in the peace and grace that is given to us no matter the loss. Emmanuel."

 I haven't thought much about the word "Emmanuel" before. I just feel like I see it around Christmas time. I definitely will start thinking differently about it now.

Thank you Austin for being willing to share your words AND your wrist. Also, props to destinyray jewelry for the bracelet. Order yours today! Pick a word that means a lot to you... destinyray.com (Lenny's doesn't know what they're missing. Marketing skills out the wazoo.)

Austin has hairy arms.

Discipline.

I think I've always perceived the word "discipline" as a negative word. I associate discipline with being grounded or spanked as a kid. Discipline means having to follow rules. However, I'm learning that discipline doesn't necessarily have to be negative. Being disciplined can really be an awesome thing. "Self-discipline is the assertion of willpower over more base desires, and is usually understood to be synonymous with self control. Self-discipline is to some extent a substitute for motivation, when one uses reason to determine a best course of action that opposes one's desires. Virtuous behavior is when one's motivations are aligned with one's reasoned aims: to do what one knows is best and to do it gladly. Continent behavior, on the other hand, is when one does what one knows is best, but must do it by opposing one's motivations. Moving from continent to virtuous behavior requires training and some self-discipline." Thank you wikipedia. I really do love that definition. I kinda feel I could just end the blog here... but you know I have to break down my crap.

I am NOT a disciplined person. I never give up something for lent or set a new year's resolution. I always just convince myself that it's not my thing. I procrastinated and did the bare minimum to get through college. I live freely and love being spontaneous. I don't set goals, and if I do then I don't reach them. Lists make me nervous.

I have unfortunately had disciplinedness (I like making up words) in my face recently though. Austin is disciplined. He is proactive, organized, and motivated. This really is foreign to me. He challenges himself and makes sure he does not get too comfortable in life. He sets goals and achieves them.

I decided I wanted to take this on since I feel like finding too much comfort is a struggle of mine. It freakin isn't easy. The first place I was challenged to be disciplined was my actual relationship with Austin. We began our relationship in such a unique way that it is discipline I have never experienced before. We are forced to figure out how to "be together" without physically being together. (he lives in Memphis, I live in Portland) We have to be disciplined about being intentional in communication and not being distracted by our surroundings, but also making sure we are present in the community that we are in. We are learning how to not lean on each other too much and use each other as a crutch, but to still care for one another from a distance.

I also challenged myself to not eat meat for a month. Wow. If you know me, you know I love me some meat. An ideal day for me would consist of a chicken biscuit (or 2) for breakfast, a turkey sandwich for lunch, and barbecue chicken pizza (or a steak) for dinner. My mouth is watering now. 3 more days... Anyway, I knew it'd be a tough challenge and a great way to be disciplined. I'm giving up alcohol in February. Start praying for me now.

A strong and healthy relationship with the Lord requires an immense amount of discipline. I hate waking up for work in the mornings. I prefer to roll out of bed, brush my teeth and head to work. However, I have learned that spending time with the Lord in the mornings makes my day much better and focused on Him. I have to be disciplined and motivated to make sure that time happens. I struggle to pray so I know I have to be disciplined in order to have that be my inclination throughout my day.

I believe we are called to be disciplined. Life seems so pointless and directionless without discipline.






Side note: I love blogging. I love exploring aspects of my life that I feel are very weak and being vulnerable with them. I have discovered that writing these things out and confessing them has helped me stay more focused. Accountability. Hmmm that could be a good blog post. :) Thanks for the 20 of you who read this. It's more encouraging than you probably think.

Updateagain

Well, I have slacked on my blogging, and I've really missed it.

So I feel like a lot has happened in the past month or so... I accepted the position I was offered working at an elementary after school program. I watched 3 seasons of 24. I took up knitting and can't stop. I randomly started dating an incredible guy. I spent 12 days in Memphis. I got a reminder to daily walk in Christ's love. I had a surprise visitor for 10 days in Portland. I found a roommate. I found an affordable apartment. I took a road trip to Seattle. I started my job. I moved into my apartment. I have found some really awesome, fun friends through my job. I have already started procrastinating in work. :)

Where to begin? My job, I suppose. So I got this job offer and was really unsure about whether it was the best choice for me. To say the least, it doesn't exactly pay well. In fact, it is basically considered a volunteer position with a living allowance. I definitely know I can live on a very small amount of money, but it is tough to swallow my pride sometimes and accept not having much. It was tough knowing I could be a waitress or barista and make almost twice as much. Also, this job is a commitment through December. It made me nervous to realize I would be tied down to Portland and this position for almost a year. I guess my fear of commitment is in multiple aspects of my life... But I realized that in the grand scheme of things, 11 months to struggle with money and be in a job is not at all a huge deal... So, I started last Monday. I was incredibly excited and nervous. I walked into the room with 15 other people who were probably experiencing very similar feelings. Our first week was primarily training/orientation. I am assigned to an elementary school to teach a Youth Advisory Council and a service learning class after school. I'm still struggling to understand what that will look like (which is where my procrastination comes in, I should definitely be working on lesson plans right now). I start teaching tomorrow... I'll get around to it eventually... I have met some awesome people already. There are 14 girls and 2 boys on my team. We all come from different backgrounds and are headed toward different goals, but we are all experiencing this together. It's awesome. Already hung out with some of them twice this past weekend. It's really exciting to have some new friends and have a sense of a community with them.

Regarding my new apartment/roommate. It is a pretty sweet deal. Austin knew a pastor out here so he emailed the pastor asking if he knew of anyone who needed a roommate. The pastor sent me Charity's information so we started emailing. As soon as I got back in town from Christmas we met for coffee. We got to talk about backgrounds, living expectations, finances, etc and decided we would be a good fit for each other. About a week later we found a place about 20 blocks from Avery and Destiny and 80 blocks away from my school for an awesome price! It's a two bedroom with a nice size kitchen, living room, and bathroom. Luckily she had most everything we would need and even provided a box spring and mattress for me. It is pretty awesome. I will take pictures once we get all the way settled.

Being in Memphis was really refreshing. It was a rush and busy as crap, but awesome at the same time. I love being with my family. It was so nice to just be with them and spend some great time with all of them. It's amazing the love and comfort I feel being surrounded by them. It was also awesome getting to see some friends and catch up, as well as meet some new friends...

Which brings me to Austin. I will just give an overview of our story... Austin and I had probably met twice (none of which I remember), and were facebook friends from that. He is trying to figure out where to go to grad school and Portland State is high on his list. He saw on facebook that I had moved to Portland (and he likes to add "plus she was really cute") and decided to ask me about the city/PSU. We facebook chatted for a little bit, and I was just confused. I had no idea why this random guy was talking to me, but after extensive facebook stalking I was in no way concerned. He was far from my type. Yeah, God is funny. Anyway, talking about grad school turned into talking about passions which turned into talking about life. We ended up chatting for about 4 hours the first time we talked. At the end of the convo he asked if he could have my number and call me the next day. I was EXTREMELY hesitant, but knew I saw something special and different in him. We talked on the phone the next day and then video chatted (embarrassing, but true) for the next month before I went home for Christmas. Being in Memphis and affirming all the feelings I had felt the past month was incredible. Then while I was having an emotional breakdown because I was struggling to balance time between him, family, and friends he told me he was following me back to Portland and spending 12 days there. WHAT?! I just met this boy. (Funny story, my flight was delayed and he had to spend two days in Portland without me, including New Years Eve... It wasn't funny at the time.) Anyway, we had a phenomenal time together exploring the city, hiking, hanging with Avery and Dest and road-tripping. Unfortunately we are back to video chatting/calling for now. 

Alright, time to lesson plan.