I have hit a wall. It pisses me off. I guess I'm not very good with rejection. My best friend just called me during her lunch break to check on me. I didn't have to say anything directly and she knew it was not a good day for me.
I don't necessarily look good on paper. I have a little bit of job experience and all my volunteer work is the same. So, I'm basically qualified to make a sandwich and be a volunteer youth leader. Maybe that isn't going to get me very far. I'm intimidated. I hate failure so much that I become afraid of being proactive. However, I just read a message I sent to a friend when I first moved out here. I talked about how excited I was to be able to face the challenge of finding a job all on my own. No connections, purely based on who I am. Sounded dreamy at the time...
I wrote that earlier today. I was on the verge of giving up. The Lord is faithful. About an hour later I got an email regarding setting up an interview for an administrative assistant position. And then about 3 hours after that I got a phone call... I applied to a job through AmeriCorps as soon as I got out here. It is a position working with a local public school and connecting the school to the community. I would be working with the students at an after-school program as well as their families and volunteers within the program. I interviewed for this the week before Thanksgiving and was of course insecure and shaky. I think I officially suck at interviews. HOWEVER, I guess I did well enough! They offered me a position!! It starts January 10th and goes until December 16th. It is just an incredible relief to have this door opened. Especially when I was hitting a wall. I will definitely continue praying about this and making sure it is what I need to be doing, but I do feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Hide-N-Seek
I am sketchy. I am deceptive. I hide things like it's my job.
When I was an 8th grader, a junior in high school started pursuing me. He was involved with youth group, sweet, and caring. I asked my parents if I could hang out with him... HA! Was I seriously thinking they would say yes? So, I "dated" him for nine months behind my parents' backs. It was the worst and best feeling in the world. I hated myself for deceiving my parents and was constantly feeling overwhelmed and nervous. However, it was a rush. I was being rebellious, adventurous, and getting attention from an older guy. I thought I was on top of the world. I guess this is when my streak of hiding stuff began. Well, big stuff at least.
I'm still trying to end the streak. I have been confronted and challenged by people close to me a lot recently. I decided I wanted to live my life in a whole new way. I want to not have anything in my life that I feel like I need to hide from the people that mean the most to me. I don't know why I have sketchy tendencies. Maybe it stems from being a PK. Always feeling pressure to do right, so even if it isn't a big deal, I feel like I need to hide anything questionable. I guess I sometimes feel judged. But when I step back and think about it, I realize that I am doing some things that I should be ashamed of. I can be too stubborn to allow anyone to keep me accountable so I avoid my closest friends and family. Not exactly an ideal way to live life.
I think this could be an incredible way to start living my life differently. I need people here on earth to keep me accountable. I know I am going to disappoint. No one likes to disappoint. I don't think that should be something that overcomes our lives and cripples us though. I want to seek the Lord and my loved ones. The Lord is watching over me and aware of everything I think and do. There is no hiding from Him. This book that I am reading talks about being one whom God respects. Now that's a challenge. Seems pretty impossible, but I don't think it is. "Choose to humble yourself by submitting to His greatness every day."
Living a life with nothing to hide is incredibly freeing already. I stress and worry less. I feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin. I am having conversations with friends and family, and we are able to grow and strengthen our relationship so much more based on openness and honesty. I am growing closer to the Lord without shame.
When I was an 8th grader, a junior in high school started pursuing me. He was involved with youth group, sweet, and caring. I asked my parents if I could hang out with him... HA! Was I seriously thinking they would say yes? So, I "dated" him for nine months behind my parents' backs. It was the worst and best feeling in the world. I hated myself for deceiving my parents and was constantly feeling overwhelmed and nervous. However, it was a rush. I was being rebellious, adventurous, and getting attention from an older guy. I thought I was on top of the world. I guess this is when my streak of hiding stuff began. Well, big stuff at least.
I'm still trying to end the streak. I have been confronted and challenged by people close to me a lot recently. I decided I wanted to live my life in a whole new way. I want to not have anything in my life that I feel like I need to hide from the people that mean the most to me. I don't know why I have sketchy tendencies. Maybe it stems from being a PK. Always feeling pressure to do right, so even if it isn't a big deal, I feel like I need to hide anything questionable. I guess I sometimes feel judged. But when I step back and think about it, I realize that I am doing some things that I should be ashamed of. I can be too stubborn to allow anyone to keep me accountable so I avoid my closest friends and family. Not exactly an ideal way to live life.
I think this could be an incredible way to start living my life differently. I need people here on earth to keep me accountable. I know I am going to disappoint. No one likes to disappoint. I don't think that should be something that overcomes our lives and cripples us though. I want to seek the Lord and my loved ones. The Lord is watching over me and aware of everything I think and do. There is no hiding from Him. This book that I am reading talks about being one whom God respects. Now that's a challenge. Seems pretty impossible, but I don't think it is. "Choose to humble yourself by submitting to His greatness every day."
Living a life with nothing to hide is incredibly freeing already. I stress and worry less. I feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin. I am having conversations with friends and family, and we are able to grow and strengthen our relationship so much more based on openness and honesty. I am growing closer to the Lord without shame.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Uno (not the game)
That means one in Spanish, just in case you didn't know that.
I've been in Portland for exactly one month now. That's kinda crazy to me. I have had a few people ask for updates, so why not post one and have a place to direct people if they desire to hear about my (not so) exciting life.
If I'm honest, I think I was hoping to accomplish more than I have at this point. However, I'm content. Today at least. So, the first week and a half I mainly focused on pulling together my resume. It's unbelievable how many hours can be spent attempting to perfect a resume. Since then, it has been an overwhelming amount of job searching and applying.
What does a typical day look like? Well, most days are pretty monotonous honestly. I wake up between 8:30 and 9:30 (I'm proud of that) and read and journal while sipping on some coffee. I love making this a new habit of mine. Then I usually spend the rest of the morning searching for jobs/researching/applying/writing cover letters/adjusting my resume to a particular job/etc. Destiny has also allowed me to help her with her jewelry a few times, which is a nice break to sitting in front of a computer. Around 12:30 or 1:00 Destiny and I pack up a lunch and drive over to Avery's office. She seriously is the sweetest wife ever. Avery comes out, and we all eat lunch together in Destiny's VW Bug. It's pretty cute if you ask me. Afternoons consist of exercising, coffee shops, meeting with the two friends I have here (Kristen and Allie), continuing applications, watching 24, writing friends, etc. Evenings are usually spent with Avery and Destiny eating dinner and watching TV or playing games.
I have probably applied to over 30 jobs now. I am applying to anything and everything. I have only gotten two responses. Which is a little bit of a hard thing to swallow sometimes. I just have to remind myself that there are probably hundreds of other people applying to these same jobs, and I'm not exactly qualified for, well, much of anything. The first interview I had was with an internet marketing company. It was a sales position, and I feel like I pretty much bombed the interview. Needless to say, I haven't heard back from them. I'm not too disappointed about that. The second interview was with a job through Americorps. It is basically working for an organization that tries to connect the schools with the community and runs an after-school program. I felt better about this interview mainly because it actually involved something that interests me and I have experience in. I am supposed to hear back from them after Thanksgiving. I am hopeful, but definitely still applying to other positions.
As soon as I got out here I knew I wanted to immediately dive into doing something. I knew I would attend Imago Dei Community Church so I emailed the youth director and asked if he needed any leaders. About a week after I got here, I dressed up as a plastic pumpkin trick-or-treat bucket and headed to a high school and middle school Halloween party. I luckily knew one of the high school leaders through Avery, but otherwise I knew no one. Of course it turned out great, and I have officially become a high school leader. It is a huge change from Hope's youth group, but I'm enjoying the challenge. There are only about 20 students, but they are tight knit and anxious to learn and love. The other leaders have been extremely welcoming, and I'm excited to grow friendships with them.
Portland as a city, I am beginning to appreciate more and more. There are definitely things I am getting used to, but every once in a while it hits me how awesome and beautiful this city truly is. It is so cool to be submerged in such a different culture. Things I am getting used to in relation to the actual city:
If you feel the urge, pray for me this week. I'm staying here for Thanksgiving. I haven't really spent a holiday away from my family before. Also, I realized that was a pretty positive update. That makes me happy. It really has been tough at times, I've had my share of breakdowns and thoughts of giving up. I am learning so much though.
I've been in Portland for exactly one month now. That's kinda crazy to me. I have had a few people ask for updates, so why not post one and have a place to direct people if they desire to hear about my (not so) exciting life.
If I'm honest, I think I was hoping to accomplish more than I have at this point. However, I'm content. Today at least. So, the first week and a half I mainly focused on pulling together my resume. It's unbelievable how many hours can be spent attempting to perfect a resume. Since then, it has been an overwhelming amount of job searching and applying.
What does a typical day look like? Well, most days are pretty monotonous honestly. I wake up between 8:30 and 9:30 (I'm proud of that) and read and journal while sipping on some coffee. I love making this a new habit of mine. Then I usually spend the rest of the morning searching for jobs/researching/applying/writing cover letters/adjusting my resume to a particular job/etc. Destiny has also allowed me to help her with her jewelry a few times, which is a nice break to sitting in front of a computer. Around 12:30 or 1:00 Destiny and I pack up a lunch and drive over to Avery's office. She seriously is the sweetest wife ever. Avery comes out, and we all eat lunch together in Destiny's VW Bug. It's pretty cute if you ask me. Afternoons consist of exercising, coffee shops, meeting with the two friends I have here (Kristen and Allie), continuing applications, watching 24, writing friends, etc. Evenings are usually spent with Avery and Destiny eating dinner and watching TV or playing games.
I have probably applied to over 30 jobs now. I am applying to anything and everything. I have only gotten two responses. Which is a little bit of a hard thing to swallow sometimes. I just have to remind myself that there are probably hundreds of other people applying to these same jobs, and I'm not exactly qualified for, well, much of anything. The first interview I had was with an internet marketing company. It was a sales position, and I feel like I pretty much bombed the interview. Needless to say, I haven't heard back from them. I'm not too disappointed about that. The second interview was with a job through Americorps. It is basically working for an organization that tries to connect the schools with the community and runs an after-school program. I felt better about this interview mainly because it actually involved something that interests me and I have experience in. I am supposed to hear back from them after Thanksgiving. I am hopeful, but definitely still applying to other positions.
As soon as I got out here I knew I wanted to immediately dive into doing something. I knew I would attend Imago Dei Community Church so I emailed the youth director and asked if he needed any leaders. About a week after I got here, I dressed up as a plastic pumpkin trick-or-treat bucket and headed to a high school and middle school Halloween party. I luckily knew one of the high school leaders through Avery, but otherwise I knew no one. Of course it turned out great, and I have officially become a high school leader. It is a huge change from Hope's youth group, but I'm enjoying the challenge. There are only about 20 students, but they are tight knit and anxious to learn and love. The other leaders have been extremely welcoming, and I'm excited to grow friendships with them.
Portland as a city, I am beginning to appreciate more and more. There are definitely things I am getting used to, but every once in a while it hits me how awesome and beautiful this city truly is. It is so cool to be submerged in such a different culture. Things I am getting used to in relation to the actual city:
- Making sure I don't hit pedestrians and bikers. They are everywhere.
- Being confident ordering a PBR in a Portland brewery. People love their beer here. I prefer cheap beer.
- Rain. I'm trying to have a positive attitude and not let it get to me. It's freaking hard though. It's 35 and raining today. My dad said he got too hot on his run this morning in Memphis. I need a gym membership.
- People truly are different. They actually are nicer than I expected, but sometimes I just feel like I don't exactly fit in.
If you feel the urge, pray for me this week. I'm staying here for Thanksgiving. I haven't really spent a holiday away from my family before. Also, I realized that was a pretty positive update. That makes me happy. It really has been tough at times, I've had my share of breakdowns and thoughts of giving up. I am learning so much though.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Rollercoaster
Being able to spend August, September, and part of October in Memphis was a huge blessing. When I got back to Memphis from Portland at the end of July, I was ready and anxious to pack up and drive all my stuff across the country. However, I had a flight out of Memphis at the beginning of September for our family vacation and one of my best friends was getting married at the end of September. I know, terrible reasons to have to stay in Memphis, right? Little did I know, those couple months were going to be some of the most memorable of my life. I was able to live with Tommy and Jessica and spend intentional time with them, learning and loving. I took a trip to Knoxville and spent 5 days with my best friends. I fell in love with running and got to experience Memphis's new greenline. I got to be a part of a very exciting few weeks with Julie as she prepared and tied the knot with Chad. Sundays became my favorite day of the week; worshiping with my family, eating lunch, running, worshiping again and hearing my dad speak, then going out for dinner. A full day of fellowship with the family. Not to mention I was lucky enough to get in on my parents' anniversary trip to NYC.
Day one: Memphis, TN to Council Bluffs, IA. 11 hours. 639 miles. 1 flat tire.
Day two: Council Bluffs, IA to Rapid City, SD. 9 hours. 545 miles. 4 dead presidents sculpted on a mountain. 2 incredibly sweet letters from my dad.Day three: Rapid City, SD to Billings, MT. 5.5 hours. 374 miles. 2 pictograph caves. 1 local brewery. 2 local beers. 1 of the best meals I've ever had.
Day four: Billings, MT to Missoula, MT. 5 hours. 344 miles. 1 best friend in the world. 1 hike to the M. 1 night out with Katy and some of her friends who I met this summer.
Day five: Missoula, MT to Portland, OR. 9 hours. 548 miles. 2 excited siblings. 1 crazy cute cat.
Total: Memphis, TN to Portland, OR. 39.5 hours. 2,450 miles. Let's not talk about the amount of money spent on gas and lodging... Thanks for your support mom and dad. :)
I'm thrilled to be here, but it truly has been an emotional rollercoaster. Some moments I still question my decision, but I know I would never have had these experiences and challenges if I hadn't done this. I'm so grateful for Avery and Destiny and their willingness to have me and help me here. I know this is an extremely precious time that I'm able to have with them. I was afraid I would never have the opportunity to do this.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Work
That's a funny title since I don't have any.
However, I am working. I'm discovering that you have to work to make a story of your life. I just read a book by native Portlander (Portlandite? Portlandian? who knows?), Donald Miller, called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Some of you might recognize him by his more popular book, Blue Like Jazz. I'm not going to give you a summary of the book, go and read it instead. However, I do want to go through some of the things that really stuck out to me. Miller had ridiculous success with Blue Like Jazz and a lot of us looked at him as a really solid man who was doing amazing things with his life. In this book he reveals his lack of motivation and how his laziness leads him to watch hours of television each day. In fact, one of the guys he is working with tells him that if they portrayed his life as it truly is, people watching the movie would "stab each other in the necks with drinking straws." Ouch. How vulnerable of him to admit that.
Obviously Donald Miller is an incredible, honest, Godly man. Also, he is wonderful with words, so I'm going to quote him and throw in my thoughts instead of giving my summary. Thank God this isn't a research paper with a quote limit...
"People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. Joy costs pain." Dang.
"Humans are designed to seek comfort and order, and so if they have comfort and order, they tend to plant themselves, even if their comfort isn't all that comfortable. And even if they secretly want for something better." I love this. I struggle with this on a daily basis. We all probably do.
"It's all that stuff about forgiveness and risking rejection and learning to love. We think stories are about getting money and security, but the truth is, it all comes down to relationships." This really stands out to me. Forgiveness. Risking rejection. Learning to love. Extremely powerful things that we love to ignore.
"Not living a better story would be like deciding to die, deciding to walk around numb until you die, and it's not natural to want to die." But it's so much easier to not feel sometimes. However, there are periods of my life that when I think back on them I have NO idea what happened.
"when you are a better character, your story gets better too" I almost didn't comment on this quote. I wanted it to stand out, but I realized that it looked more like I didn't think it was as important. I love that he makes sure we know it's not just about the outward things we do. We have to change our hearts and minds to make a better story.
"I didn't want to get well, because if I got well, nobody would come and save me anymore. And I didn't want to get well, because while I could not control my happiness, I could control my misery, and I would rather have had control than live in the tension of what if. A chance of hope is no pacifier against a sure tragedy." I can be a control freak. I don't love the unknown. I like taking physical risks, but emotional risks scare the bageezees out of me.
"once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time."
There is a "natural high the body creates to trick us into thinking another human being might rescue us...we make too much of worldly love...for years I'd thought of love as something that would complete me, make all my troubles go away. I worshipped at the altar of romantic completion." Welcome to my 23 years of living. Okay, maybe I didn't start worshipping at this altar until... preschool (thanks Patrick)? That's ridiculous and somewhat true. I definitely had this mindset of, once I find a man I will feel fulfilled and worth something. What a crappy way to live. It's so obvious to me now why none of my relationships have worked out. I can't look to a guy to validate me. He later talks about a couple who look at each other as a "cherished prize." "Neither needed the other to make everything okay. They were simply content to have good company through life's conflicts." Beautiful.
Now I really am simply trying to work on making a meaningful story out of my life. It's going to be hard work and I'm going to feel like crap sometimes, but it's worth it. (Thanks Jess for giving me this book. I love you!) I'm going to end with a quote from the end of the book that I'm trying to think about throughout my day, everyday.
"We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them."
However, I am working. I'm discovering that you have to work to make a story of your life. I just read a book by native Portlander (Portlandite? Portlandian? who knows?), Donald Miller, called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Some of you might recognize him by his more popular book, Blue Like Jazz. I'm not going to give you a summary of the book, go and read it instead. However, I do want to go through some of the things that really stuck out to me. Miller had ridiculous success with Blue Like Jazz and a lot of us looked at him as a really solid man who was doing amazing things with his life. In this book he reveals his lack of motivation and how his laziness leads him to watch hours of television each day. In fact, one of the guys he is working with tells him that if they portrayed his life as it truly is, people watching the movie would "stab each other in the necks with drinking straws." Ouch. How vulnerable of him to admit that.
Obviously Donald Miller is an incredible, honest, Godly man. Also, he is wonderful with words, so I'm going to quote him and throw in my thoughts instead of giving my summary. Thank God this isn't a research paper with a quote limit...
"People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. Joy costs pain." Dang.
"Humans are designed to seek comfort and order, and so if they have comfort and order, they tend to plant themselves, even if their comfort isn't all that comfortable. And even if they secretly want for something better." I love this. I struggle with this on a daily basis. We all probably do.
"It's all that stuff about forgiveness and risking rejection and learning to love. We think stories are about getting money and security, but the truth is, it all comes down to relationships." This really stands out to me. Forgiveness. Risking rejection. Learning to love. Extremely powerful things that we love to ignore.
"Not living a better story would be like deciding to die, deciding to walk around numb until you die, and it's not natural to want to die." But it's so much easier to not feel sometimes. However, there are periods of my life that when I think back on them I have NO idea what happened.
"when you are a better character, your story gets better too" I almost didn't comment on this quote. I wanted it to stand out, but I realized that it looked more like I didn't think it was as important. I love that he makes sure we know it's not just about the outward things we do. We have to change our hearts and minds to make a better story.
"I didn't want to get well, because if I got well, nobody would come and save me anymore. And I didn't want to get well, because while I could not control my happiness, I could control my misery, and I would rather have had control than live in the tension of what if. A chance of hope is no pacifier against a sure tragedy." I can be a control freak. I don't love the unknown. I like taking physical risks, but emotional risks scare the bageezees out of me.
"once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time."
There is a "natural high the body creates to trick us into thinking another human being might rescue us...we make too much of worldly love...for years I'd thought of love as something that would complete me, make all my troubles go away. I worshipped at the altar of romantic completion." Welcome to my 23 years of living. Okay, maybe I didn't start worshipping at this altar until... preschool (thanks Patrick)? That's ridiculous and somewhat true. I definitely had this mindset of, once I find a man I will feel fulfilled and worth something. What a crappy way to live. It's so obvious to me now why none of my relationships have worked out. I can't look to a guy to validate me. He later talks about a couple who look at each other as a "cherished prize." "Neither needed the other to make everything okay. They were simply content to have good company through life's conflicts." Beautiful.
Now I really am simply trying to work on making a meaningful story out of my life. It's going to be hard work and I'm going to feel like crap sometimes, but it's worth it. (Thanks Jess for giving me this book. I love you!) I'm going to end with a quote from the end of the book that I'm trying to think about throughout my day, everyday.
"We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them."
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