invincible.

adjective:

1. incapable of being conquered, defeated, or subdued

2. insuperable; insurmountable 

It is so easy to feel invincible. And I am not sure that is a bad thing. 

This is Justin and Anna. Justin has been my neighbor in our small apartment complex for almost a year. As soon as he moved in, I knew he was something special. I desired to be around him. He is one of those people who exudes positivity. Justin and I were no means close friends, but we were always intentional. When our paths crossed as we were headed out on an adventure, bike ride, grocery run, or simply work, we made sure to talk about real life. We shared about relationships and struggles and joy. 

Justin and Anna were killed in a head-on collision while driving out to hike on the Columbia River Gorge on Wednesday afternoon. As morbid as it is, I find it appropriate that Justin and Anna died seeking adventure and exploring. 

Justin lived life like he was invincible. He wanted to do and see everything and bring light to those around him along the way. My neighbors and I were crying and sharing stories last night, and we couldn't help continuing to question why they were the ones to die. They both were gifts to this earth. I'm going to celebrate them and invite you to contribute to their families as they mourn the loss of their child, brother, and sister.

I never want to live in fear, but I also want to remember that my time on this world could end at any second. It sounds cliche, but in painful times like this I am reminded to live each day to the fullest. It reminds me to stop wallowing in self-pity and do the things that make me happy. 

So today I am spending the day with my nephews and tonight I am going on a group bike ride.

easton.

I'll never forget the day that Destiny told Austin and me that we should watch this video that she made for Avery in celebration of him finishing his Masters. Watching this video now, I feel so silly for not knowing what was actually going on. We watched the video side by side on their loveseat while they watched over our shoulders waiting for our reaction. If you know me at all, you know that my reaction was full of tears and hugs. I was so excited for us to be aunt and uncle to this new bundle of joy. If you have an extra few minutes you should watch it... I still cry every single time.

Today I spent the day with two year old Easton. I picked him up, and he immediately said, "kitties." I let him know that we would see the kitties later, but for now we were going to go get ice cream on the MAX (our light rail). He loves the MAX. We sat and waited for the red line and got to watch cars on the highway pass. He kept saying "whoa, fast," and "Linny, look." Once we got on the MAX, he sat next to me and held my hand. We watched people get on and off, talked about the bridges, and looked at the mountains. At every stop he looked up at me and asked, "more?." Once we got to the frozen yogurt shop, he stuck by my side as we sampled the different flavors and made our choices. After eating our froyo, we walked over to Target to buy new sunglasses and toys for Linny's home. I was amazed by Easton's ability to pick out what he wanted when given choices and his obedience when I asked him come on and put the toys back. We checked out and got back on the MAX to go see the kitties. While walking back to my apartment from the MAX station, Easton looked at me, kissed me and said "I love you, Linny." Heart. Broken. In the best way possible.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own self-pity and selfish desires. It is so refreshing to be around Easton's innocence and excitement over what I constantly take for granted. I had no idea how much joy someone could bring to my life. Easton was born exactly two months after Austin and I separated. Easton will always have a special place in my heart because of the timing that he entered my life. I felt so hopeless and he gave me hope. I felt so much resentment, and he softened my heart. I still struggle with feeling insufficient and lost, but Easton thinks I'm grounded. Easton loves his Linny. I know I can't get all my worth from that, but it does help remind me that I am more than my insecurities and self-pity.

Chameleon

It has recently been shoved in my face that I am a chameleon. Things being shoved in your face hurts and chameleons are less than attractive. I have always said that I value people who are "real." I love people that don't bullshit and that don't put on a show just to be accepted by the particular crowd that they are currently around. Well, that's the exact opposite of what I've been doing. In fact, I will happily go out of my way to one up you. You are cynical and make lots of jokes about people? Perfect, I will make jokes about people that are incredibly hurtful and even change my attitude about that person just to "impress" you. You judge Christians? NO WAY, me too! Oh wait, now I am surrounded by people who love and serve Jesus well... I can totally do that too.

I think I learned this a really long time ago growing up as a preacher's kid. I had to fend for myself within the church as well as still keep up with the world. I didn't want to be placed in a box. I believe in a healthy balance. I never want to stop being a part of the church, and I will always value the importance of being a part of the world. Since moving to Portland, I have grown an even bigger appreciation of the beauties of the world. I know that we are meant to enjoy and share His creation. I think that includes the mountains and greenery, as well as man-made bridges and bike lanes, as well as the ultimate creation of human life. Speaking of, have you seen how cute my nephews and niece are?



I share this to challenge myself. I want to be true to myself. I want to be real. I don't want to try to impress others. Really though, conforming isn't attractive. Chameleons are funny looking.

Jealous.

This word has always had a negative connotation in my mind. Jealousy is sinful, full of selfishness, distrust, resentment. Jealousy is oppressive... Right?

For some reason I have had David Crowder's song, "How He Loves" in my head consistently for the past 2 weeks. The song begins by saying, "He is jealous for me..." What? If jealousy is sinful then the Lord can't be jealous. Not to mention, I don't feel like there is any way the Lord would be jealous for ME. I am broken and seem to constantly break my promises to him.


But the Lord IS jealous for me. He is jealous for my attention, my adoration, my devotion. He hates all the things I put before him. He is absolutely jealous when I serve this world and my worldly desires. However, God's jealousy is beautiful. When I really think about it, I realize how much security I can find in the Lord's jealousy. It makes me feel protected, loved, desired. That's what I need right now; I need to find worth in the Lord's need for me. I think that's what the Lord wants us to feel.

This seems simple and to the point, but it has consumed my thoughts recently. Listen to the song and try to ignore how goofy looking Crowder can look. :)

mystery.

My last post was about not being consumed with all the details of preparing for a wedding. However, I'm a little consumed with attempting to prepare my heart for marriage. Get ready for an overload of marriage and love posts...

My wonderful friends, Aaron and Sarah Harris gave Austin and me a book called, "the mystery of marriage." I have only read the first 40 pages, but am about to transition into reading some books alongside our premarital counseling so I wanted to get my thoughts out before I totally forgot about it. Books like this have grown on me. I used to read them and be extremely cynical. However, I have grown to accept that even if I don't necessarily agree with everything, I am at least forced to think about it.

This first section struck a cord with me. Per usual when I write about a book, I'll quote the expert to get my points across. The author immediately dives into "the conflict between a yearning for solitude and a yearning for companionship." Well, shit. Welcome to 90% of Austin and my arguments. He is so much better at it than I am... That might be the worst part about it. I am so dead-set on being an "independent woman," but at the same time continually needing him. I handle it VERY poorly sometimes. "One of the hardest things in marriage is the feeling of being watched."

This quote has two stars around it in my book (literally): "There is a constant temptation to pull back from the full intensity of the relationship, to get along on only the basic requirements. But set against this is the constant challenge to give more and more of oneself, at deeper and deeper levels, and to see in one's partner a most abundant and perfect channel for the outpouring of the grace of God into one's life." Absolutely beautiful. I want to strive for this. The author also uses the metaphor of how a woman was created "bone of bone, flesh of flesh" and the Lord was "revealed in the incarnation as bone of our bone, flesh of our flesh." That is extremely powerful if you really think about it.

I'll end this random, scattered post with another encouraging quote...
"No worship could be more pleasing or acceptable to God than the worship of marital love, of two lives being played out against one another in a covenant of loving cooperation."

Humbled.

I forgot to post this... It was written Nov. 30, 2011.

It is so funny the ways that the Lord humbles me. I'm so thankful for it.

I have now lived in Portland for over a year, and I have recently realized how much I have learned since moving here. It was a huge cultural change, but I realize how much of a blessing it has been. I struggle so much with appearance, status, popularity, etc. I love the south, but I know that it is culturally more of a temptation there. The culture in Portland is not conducive for that. Yes, free-thinkers, hippies, green freaks... think what you will. I have grown to appreciate that the competition is about who can live the most simply, accept people for who they are, and be the most environmentally friendly. I don't think there is anything sinful about that.

I'm getting married. I'M GETTING MARRIED! After having a little over week to let that sink in, I am able to appreciate how wonderful and beautiful this time of my life truly is. I get to celebrate love with the man of my dreams. We get to experience an amazing communion with the Lord. This realization has also humbled the crap out of me. I am sincerely terrified of getting caught up in all the planning and details and missing out on the real meaning of all this. I am committing my life to the man I will (God willing) get to grow old with, in front of the Lord and the people that mean the most to us. That's so incredibly beautiful. Of course I want our wedding to be gorgeous and fun, but... it's going to be. :) I want to commit to working hard to simply not be selfish and self-consumed.

Being with Austin is also just humbling in itself. Everyone knows that dating has not been my strong point. I lacked self-respect and in turn was unable to respect past boyfriends. I was completely unfair and broken. Austin has showed me how to humble myself and let go of the hurts and walls of the past. I am still learning to fully let go and give him my heart, but he has stayed by my side through it all... and even is going to marry me despite it! I don't want to miss a minute of these few months of planning and preparing our hearts. I am so thankful for him.

grace.

My leader in college told me that I didn't believed in grace.

Excuse me? I am 19 years old and have grown up in the church. I obviously believe in grace... Alright, so I got a little defensive. I decided to give examples of how I believe in God's grace... they just happen to all be in relation to other people. He immediately pointed out that I believe and embrace grace when it comes to others, but I don't believe in God's grace in relation to myself. That conversation has stuck with me. It truly is easy for me to preach grace, but I can't get my mind or heart around it when it involves ME.

I have done some really crappy things. Especially to people who I care about. I have been selfish, used, abused, and flat out betrayed the people who mean the most to me. Yet, I hate hurting people. I can't forgive myself. I don't feel like I deserve my own forgiveness, let alone the other person's. So I definitely don't deserve the Lord's forgiveness and unconditional love. It eats away at me. Then I do something else crappy, and it all piles up. Seems like an endless cycle.

“When the mask of self-righteousness has been torn from us and we stand stripped of all our accustomed defenses, we are candidates for God's generous grace.” -Erwin W. Lutzer

I feel like I need to earn what I receive. I have done way too much crap to deserve God's grace. If I accept God's grace then I will have the mindset of "oh well, I can sin, God forgives me no matter what." It just all terrifies me. Somehow I can look at grace as a lose-lose situation. This is totally the mask of self-righteousness. I want to be stripped of all my defenses.

"That is the mystery of grace: it never comes too late." -François Mauriac

Now I don't know that any of our small human brains can completely understand grace, but I do think God made our hearts to be capable of accepting it. (“We cannot "psychologize" the grace of God. God's actions are outside and above our human sciences.” -John Powell) Grace is defined as "the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God; the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them; a virtue or excellence of divine origin." That is so beautiful. Still pretty impossible to get my mind around, but beautiful nonetheless.

I will leave you with some more wonderful quotes by much smarter people on grace. I know it is a lot, but they all seemed powerful to me. I italicized and made bold what really spoke to me...

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone be found boasting. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:8-10

“The burden of life is from ourselves, its lightness from the grace of Christ and the love of God.” -William Bernard Ullanthorne

 

“The law detects, grace alone conquers sin.” - Saint Augustine of Hippo

 

“Grace isn't a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It's a way to live."-Dwight Lyman Moody  

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

 

“Grace is available for each of us every day - our spiritual daily bread - but we've got to remember to ask for it with a grateful heart and not worry about whether there will be enough for tomorrow.” - Sarah Ban Breathnach

 

“Grace is the good pleasure of God that inclines him to bestow benefits upon the undeserving. It is a self-existent principle inherent in the divine nature and appears to us as a self-caused propensity to pity the wretched, spare the guilty, welcome the outcast, and bring into favor those who were before under just disapprobation. Its use to us sinful men is to save us and make us sit together in heavenly places to demonstrate to the ages the exceeding riches of God's kindness to us in Christ Jesus.” -A. W. Tozer

 

“The grace of God is infinite and eternal. As it had no beginning, so it can have no end, and being an attribute of God, it is as boundless as infinitude.”

 

“Grace is God himself, his loving energy at work within his church and within our souls.” - Evelyn Underhill

I am so thankful for all that I am learning about God's grace. I am continually working towards opening up my heart, but I have come to accept the (earthly) life-long struggle. I am grateful that I have a God who thinks I am worth it. I'm also grateful for a leader who would call me out on my lack of faith and acceptance of all that God is capable of (although I resented that comment for years).