Katy

Katy,

When you came to Grahamwood in sixth grade wearing Umbros and an oversized t-shirt, I knew we were going to be good friends. However, I had no idea what we had ahead of us.

Middle school was full of awkward moments. We began our competitive endeavors by seeing who could catch the most sour skittles in our mouths, started our periods and figured out how to use a tampon, and dressed up as Sweet N Low and Equal for Halloween. Seriously the worst costumes ever. I’m 90% positive it was your idea.

High school was definitely more enjoyable and slightly less awkward. We upped our competition game with ping pong, bowling, darts, speed scrabble, etc… You know, the normal things to be overly competitive about. Good thing you had terrible taste in boys in high school so we never had to compete over them. (Love you, Phil. And I’m so thankful for you and how tremendously well you and the rest of that group loved Katy.) Katy is our glue.

I loved so much that my parents lived close to school so we were able to go watch 30 minutes of ABC Family while scarfing down bagel bites, goldfish dipped in Catalina dressing (why was that a thing, you're gross), Oreos over soaked and soggy in milk, and cookie dough from a giant bucket before soccer practice. Although, I used to get so pissed because you would always pick out the dough and leave me with a spoonful of chocolate chips. It’s a miracle we didn't ever puke at practice. I think that may have had something to do with how insanely lazy we were. Remember when we used to jump in people's cars when we were supposed to be running a mile around the neighborhood? Did I ever tell you how I was always so jealous that you would score ALL our goals and have your name called over the intercom to the whole school the next day. I seriously could never keep up with you. Katy, I’m sorry Ruthie was always better at tennis than you. However, I am not sorry she was so much better than us at basketball. Can you imagine how many points hoopin squad would actually have scored in a game if Ruthie wasn’t on our team?

So much of who I am, what I've done, and what my life has looked like since high school is directly correlated to having you as my best friend.

I am so grateful we have always stayed within driving distance of one another.

I started playing ultimate because I was struggling in college, and you knew I needed an outlet for my competitive and active nature. You taught me how to throw a flick and catch a pancake, and you patiently and lovingly kept me accountable about following through with joining the team at UT... And then you bitches beat us EVERY SINGLE TIME we played one another for the next two years. You rubbed it in my face and then gave my whole team a drink. You loved so fully and so hard. You had such an amazing way of bringing people together. Have I mentioned that you’re glue?

I moved to the northwest because of you, K. You had such a way of inspiring and sometimes forcing people to seek adventure. Every time you came to visit me in Portland the past 6 years I prepared for five things to happen.

1. Losing 1-2 articles of clothing. We all know you weren't about to spend your time and money shopping. And even if you had, you have pretty awful fashion sense
2. You were going to eat all my food and drink my booze
3. You would clean my room
4. Non-stop adventures: She came on her 25th and made a list of 25 things to do for her 25th birthday that we had to fit into a two day weekend (including kick lindsay’s ass at ping pong)
5. Buying destiny ray jewelry. You wanted to support people you love

I feel so fortunate to have gotten to see into your life in Montana. You always showed me the best time in Missoula. You and your friends were so welcoming and truly made me feel a part of your friend group. They loved me well because they love you so much.

Thank you for challenging me to be a better person and friend. Thank you for continuing to pursue me even when I wouldn’t respond for weeks… Let's be honest, sometimes months. You were undoubtedly a better friend to me than I was to you. Thank you for teaching me tolerance. Thank you for demonstrating how to be a servant to others. Thank you for forcing me out of my comfort zone.

Katy, we had so much more to do. You already asked me to be in your hypothetical wedding. You were supposed to be in my wedding (again). You were going to be the crazy aunt to my kids. I was going to put up with your annoying dog and you would continue to secretly love my cats. We were going to hold one another as we lost people we love. We had so many more adventures to go on. We were going to grow old together and make fun of one another's sagging skin and deteriorating hearing.

KK, I'm sorry you were in so much pain. I hope you knew how loved you were. You brought so much happiness to all of us, and we are forever grateful for you. I hope we can all take a page out of your book and… I literally cannot figure out how to finish this sentence. I know everyone has something that they learned from Katy.

Kay, I want to promise you some things.

Kate, Rachel, and I will keep going to MPC when we are all in town and keep up with our email chain to continue to love one another from afar. 

I will keep in touch with Allie and love her and Jon as they settle into married life. I will visit your parents every time I come in town and hug them hard for you.

I promise to not get stuck in the why or what if game? You would want us all to only seek happiness and love.

I promise to think of you as I continue our bad habits of shells and cheese, ice cream, too much pizza, too many beers, etc.

I promise to keep listening to music that makes me happy and think of how much you would love it.

I promise to keep seeking adventures. I promise to make my bed...at least some of the time. I promise to keep taking beers on my hikes. I promise to keep riding my bike. I promise to be a better friend.

Katy, you are our glue. We promise to hold firm together.

invincible.

adjective:

1. incapable of being conquered, defeated, or subdued

2. insuperable; insurmountable 

It is so easy to feel invincible. And I am not sure that is a bad thing. 

This is Justin and Anna. Justin has been my neighbor in our small apartment complex for almost a year. As soon as he moved in, I knew he was something special. I desired to be around him. He is one of those people who exudes positivity. Justin and I were no means close friends, but we were always intentional. When our paths crossed as we were headed out on an adventure, bike ride, grocery run, or simply work, we made sure to talk about real life. We shared about relationships and struggles and joy. 

Justin and Anna were killed in a head-on collision while driving out to hike on the Columbia River Gorge on Wednesday afternoon. As morbid as it is, I find it appropriate that Justin and Anna died seeking adventure and exploring. 

Justin lived life like he was invincible. He wanted to do and see everything and bring light to those around him along the way. My neighbors and I were crying and sharing stories last night, and we couldn't help continuing to question why they were the ones to die. They both were gifts to this earth. I'm going to celebrate them and invite you to contribute to their families as they mourn the loss of their child, brother, and sister.

I never want to live in fear, but I also want to remember that my time on this world could end at any second. It sounds cliche, but in painful times like this I am reminded to live each day to the fullest. It reminds me to stop wallowing in self-pity and do the things that make me happy. 

So today I am spending the day with my nephews and tonight I am going on a group bike ride.

easton.

I'll never forget the day that Destiny told Austin and me that we should watch this video that she made for Avery in celebration of him finishing his Masters. Watching this video now, I feel so silly for not knowing what was actually going on. We watched the video side by side on their loveseat while they watched over our shoulders waiting for our reaction. If you know me at all, you know that my reaction was full of tears and hugs. I was so excited for us to be aunt and uncle to this new bundle of joy. If you have an extra few minutes you should watch it... I still cry every single time.

Today I spent the day with two year old Easton. I picked him up, and he immediately said, "kitties." I let him know that we would see the kitties later, but for now we were going to go get ice cream on the MAX (our light rail). He loves the MAX. We sat and waited for the red line and got to watch cars on the highway pass. He kept saying "whoa, fast," and "Linny, look." Once we got on the MAX, he sat next to me and held my hand. We watched people get on and off, talked about the bridges, and looked at the mountains. At every stop he looked up at me and asked, "more?." Once we got to the frozen yogurt shop, he stuck by my side as we sampled the different flavors and made our choices. After eating our froyo, we walked over to Target to buy new sunglasses and toys for Linny's home. I was amazed by Easton's ability to pick out what he wanted when given choices and his obedience when I asked him come on and put the toys back. We checked out and got back on the MAX to go see the kitties. While walking back to my apartment from the MAX station, Easton looked at me, kissed me and said "I love you, Linny." Heart. Broken. In the best way possible.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own self-pity and selfish desires. It is so refreshing to be around Easton's innocence and excitement over what I constantly take for granted. I had no idea how much joy someone could bring to my life. Easton was born exactly two months after Austin and I separated. Easton will always have a special place in my heart because of the timing that he entered my life. I felt so hopeless and he gave me hope. I felt so much resentment, and he softened my heart. I still struggle with feeling insufficient and lost, but Easton thinks I'm grounded. Easton loves his Linny. I know I can't get all my worth from that, but it does help remind me that I am more than my insecurities and self-pity.

Chameleon

It has recently been shoved in my face that I am a chameleon. Things being shoved in your face hurts and chameleons are less than attractive. I have always said that I value people who are "real." I love people that don't bullshit and that don't put on a show just to be accepted by the particular crowd that they are currently around. Well, that's the exact opposite of what I've been doing. In fact, I will happily go out of my way to one up you. You are cynical and make lots of jokes about people? Perfect, I will make jokes about people that are incredibly hurtful and even change my attitude about that person just to "impress" you. You judge Christians? NO WAY, me too! Oh wait, now I am surrounded by people who love and serve Jesus well... I can totally do that too.

I think I learned this a really long time ago growing up as a preacher's kid. I had to fend for myself within the church as well as still keep up with the world. I didn't want to be placed in a box. I believe in a healthy balance. I never want to stop being a part of the church, and I will always value the importance of being a part of the world. Since moving to Portland, I have grown an even bigger appreciation of the beauties of the world. I know that we are meant to enjoy and share His creation. I think that includes the mountains and greenery, as well as man-made bridges and bike lanes, as well as the ultimate creation of human life. Speaking of, have you seen how cute my nephews and niece are?



I share this to challenge myself. I want to be true to myself. I want to be real. I don't want to try to impress others. Really though, conforming isn't attractive. Chameleons are funny looking.

Jealous.

This word has always had a negative connotation in my mind. Jealousy is sinful, full of selfishness, distrust, resentment. Jealousy is oppressive... Right?

For some reason I have had David Crowder's song, "How He Loves" in my head consistently for the past 2 weeks. The song begins by saying, "He is jealous for me..." What? If jealousy is sinful then the Lord can't be jealous. Not to mention, I don't feel like there is any way the Lord would be jealous for ME. I am broken and seem to constantly break my promises to him.


But the Lord IS jealous for me. He is jealous for my attention, my adoration, my devotion. He hates all the things I put before him. He is absolutely jealous when I serve this world and my worldly desires. However, God's jealousy is beautiful. When I really think about it, I realize how much security I can find in the Lord's jealousy. It makes me feel protected, loved, desired. That's what I need right now; I need to find worth in the Lord's need for me. I think that's what the Lord wants us to feel.

This seems simple and to the point, but it has consumed my thoughts recently. Listen to the song and try to ignore how goofy looking Crowder can look. :)

mystery.

My last post was about not being consumed with all the details of preparing for a wedding. However, I'm a little consumed with attempting to prepare my heart for marriage. Get ready for an overload of marriage and love posts...

My wonderful friends, Aaron and Sarah Harris gave Austin and me a book called, "the mystery of marriage." I have only read the first 40 pages, but am about to transition into reading some books alongside our premarital counseling so I wanted to get my thoughts out before I totally forgot about it. Books like this have grown on me. I used to read them and be extremely cynical. However, I have grown to accept that even if I don't necessarily agree with everything, I am at least forced to think about it.

This first section struck a cord with me. Per usual when I write about a book, I'll quote the expert to get my points across. The author immediately dives into "the conflict between a yearning for solitude and a yearning for companionship." Well, shit. Welcome to 90% of Austin and my arguments. He is so much better at it than I am... That might be the worst part about it. I am so dead-set on being an "independent woman," but at the same time continually needing him. I handle it VERY poorly sometimes. "One of the hardest things in marriage is the feeling of being watched."

This quote has two stars around it in my book (literally): "There is a constant temptation to pull back from the full intensity of the relationship, to get along on only the basic requirements. But set against this is the constant challenge to give more and more of oneself, at deeper and deeper levels, and to see in one's partner a most abundant and perfect channel for the outpouring of the grace of God into one's life." Absolutely beautiful. I want to strive for this. The author also uses the metaphor of how a woman was created "bone of bone, flesh of flesh" and the Lord was "revealed in the incarnation as bone of our bone, flesh of our flesh." That is extremely powerful if you really think about it.

I'll end this random, scattered post with another encouraging quote...
"No worship could be more pleasing or acceptable to God than the worship of marital love, of two lives being played out against one another in a covenant of loving cooperation."

Humbled.

I forgot to post this... It was written Nov. 30, 2011.

It is so funny the ways that the Lord humbles me. I'm so thankful for it.

I have now lived in Portland for over a year, and I have recently realized how much I have learned since moving here. It was a huge cultural change, but I realize how much of a blessing it has been. I struggle so much with appearance, status, popularity, etc. I love the south, but I know that it is culturally more of a temptation there. The culture in Portland is not conducive for that. Yes, free-thinkers, hippies, green freaks... think what you will. I have grown to appreciate that the competition is about who can live the most simply, accept people for who they are, and be the most environmentally friendly. I don't think there is anything sinful about that.

I'm getting married. I'M GETTING MARRIED! After having a little over week to let that sink in, I am able to appreciate how wonderful and beautiful this time of my life truly is. I get to celebrate love with the man of my dreams. We get to experience an amazing communion with the Lord. This realization has also humbled the crap out of me. I am sincerely terrified of getting caught up in all the planning and details and missing out on the real meaning of all this. I am committing my life to the man I will (God willing) get to grow old with, in front of the Lord and the people that mean the most to us. That's so incredibly beautiful. Of course I want our wedding to be gorgeous and fun, but... it's going to be. :) I want to commit to working hard to simply not be selfish and self-consumed.

Being with Austin is also just humbling in itself. Everyone knows that dating has not been my strong point. I lacked self-respect and in turn was unable to respect past boyfriends. I was completely unfair and broken. Austin has showed me how to humble myself and let go of the hurts and walls of the past. I am still learning to fully let go and give him my heart, but he has stayed by my side through it all... and even is going to marry me despite it! I don't want to miss a minute of these few months of planning and preparing our hearts. I am so thankful for him.

grace.

My leader in college told me that I didn't believed in grace.

Excuse me? I am 19 years old and have grown up in the church. I obviously believe in grace... Alright, so I got a little defensive. I decided to give examples of how I believe in God's grace... they just happen to all be in relation to other people. He immediately pointed out that I believe and embrace grace when it comes to others, but I don't believe in God's grace in relation to myself. That conversation has stuck with me. It truly is easy for me to preach grace, but I can't get my mind or heart around it when it involves ME.

I have done some really crappy things. Especially to people who I care about. I have been selfish, used, abused, and flat out betrayed the people who mean the most to me. Yet, I hate hurting people. I can't forgive myself. I don't feel like I deserve my own forgiveness, let alone the other person's. So I definitely don't deserve the Lord's forgiveness and unconditional love. It eats away at me. Then I do something else crappy, and it all piles up. Seems like an endless cycle.

“When the mask of self-righteousness has been torn from us and we stand stripped of all our accustomed defenses, we are candidates for God's generous grace.” -Erwin W. Lutzer

I feel like I need to earn what I receive. I have done way too much crap to deserve God's grace. If I accept God's grace then I will have the mindset of "oh well, I can sin, God forgives me no matter what." It just all terrifies me. Somehow I can look at grace as a lose-lose situation. This is totally the mask of self-righteousness. I want to be stripped of all my defenses.

"That is the mystery of grace: it never comes too late." -François Mauriac

Now I don't know that any of our small human brains can completely understand grace, but I do think God made our hearts to be capable of accepting it. (“We cannot "psychologize" the grace of God. God's actions are outside and above our human sciences.” -John Powell) Grace is defined as "the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God; the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them; a virtue or excellence of divine origin." That is so beautiful. Still pretty impossible to get my mind around, but beautiful nonetheless.

I will leave you with some more wonderful quotes by much smarter people on grace. I know it is a lot, but they all seemed powerful to me. I italicized and made bold what really spoke to me...

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone be found boasting. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:8-10

“The burden of life is from ourselves, its lightness from the grace of Christ and the love of God.” -William Bernard Ullanthorne

 

“The law detects, grace alone conquers sin.” - Saint Augustine of Hippo

 

“Grace isn't a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It's a way to live."-Dwight Lyman Moody  

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

 

“Grace is available for each of us every day - our spiritual daily bread - but we've got to remember to ask for it with a grateful heart and not worry about whether there will be enough for tomorrow.” - Sarah Ban Breathnach

 

“Grace is the good pleasure of God that inclines him to bestow benefits upon the undeserving. It is a self-existent principle inherent in the divine nature and appears to us as a self-caused propensity to pity the wretched, spare the guilty, welcome the outcast, and bring into favor those who were before under just disapprobation. Its use to us sinful men is to save us and make us sit together in heavenly places to demonstrate to the ages the exceeding riches of God's kindness to us in Christ Jesus.” -A. W. Tozer

 

“The grace of God is infinite and eternal. As it had no beginning, so it can have no end, and being an attribute of God, it is as boundless as infinitude.”

 

“Grace is God himself, his loving energy at work within his church and within our souls.” - Evelyn Underhill

I am so thankful for all that I am learning about God's grace. I am continually working towards opening up my heart, but I have come to accept the (earthly) life-long struggle. I am grateful that I have a God who thinks I am worth it. I'm also grateful for a leader who would call me out on my lack of faith and acceptance of all that God is capable of (although I resented that comment for years). 

bicicleta.

Living in Portland I guess it was inevitable... I have fallen in love with biking.

Austin bought me a bike for our 6 month anniversary (he has officially set the bar high), and I had no idea how grateful I was going to be.

The last few weeks I have averaged about 85 miles of biking a week. I bike 11 miles round trip to my school every weekday, and Austin and I bike over 8 miles round trip to church twice a week. Besides those miles, I also find myself having to bike between school sites or other meetings throughout the week... and of course the occasional Swirl (fro-yo) run. It's so nice. I don't fear for my life because people are very aware of bikers, AND I don't end up with a sweat-drenched shirt due to heat and humidity.

I have also learned that biking has been a type of therapy for me. I love starting my day with a bike ride. It really helps me wake up and mentally prepare for my day. I also find much pleasure in biking after a long, tough day at work. It's extremely freeing. Not to mention it has probably already saved me a couple hundred dollars in gas.

Don't forget, everyone looks silly in a helmet... but really, the people that look the dumbest are the ones who put their lives on the line by not wearing a helmet (Mom and Dad, that one is for you).

Random side note, I want to apologize to Senora Coleman, Mr. E, and whoever my college Spanish teacher was. I did not care about your class, and now I deeply regret it. In my last two jobs it would have been EXTREMELY beneficial to know how to speak Spanish... Lo siento.

Me encanta mi bicicleta. 

roadtrip2

A better update to come, but for now...

AUSTIN'S HERE! I picked him up early May. It was an amazing trip to Knoxville and Memphis to see friends and family. It went by WAY too quickly though. I miss everyone a whole lot, and it was super tough only being home for a couple days. It reminded me how blessed I truly am though. Then Austin and I hit the road.
Day 1: Memphis-Chicago: 8ish hours. fun times hanging out with his brother and friends.
Day 2: Chicago-Fargo: 11 LONG hours. interesting. stayed with one of Austin's teacher's brother and wife? random, right? it turned out awesome! They were great and welcomed us with open arms. Ended up having wonderful conversation over a beer.
Day 3: Fargo-Billings: 9ish hours. BEST MEAL EVER

Day 4: Billings-Missoula: 5 short hours. BEST FRIEND EVER. :) spent all afternoon and night with katy and ended our time together with an early morning hike.

Day 5: Missoula-Portland: 9 hours. Beautiful drive. Bittersweet lunch with Alex and Jon who moved from Portland the same day.

It's been wonderful and refreshing having him here and incorporating him into my life. He lived with Avery and Destiny for a couple weeks, but found a place with 3 of my coworkers in an awesome duplex. He also quickly found a job working for Pacific Interpreters as the recruiting intern. He recruits translators of some crazy dialects to be medical interpreters... I'm still learning what that means. :) Regardless, it's an awesome job, and he's a stud for getting it.

More to come soon...

Prayer.

 "I believe that profit often meets and joins the person who prays as he ought or who makes every effort to do so as far as he is able. First, the person who composes his mind for prayer is inevitably profited in some way. Through his very disposition for prayer he adorns himself so as to present himself to God and to speak to Him in person as to someone who looks upon him and is present."
 ~Origen of Alexandria

I have no idea who he is or why he has any credibility, but I like what he has to say. I'm not one to do lots of research, so according to the very little research that I did, he's some theologian from the 200s who castrated himself. Sounds hard core (or completely crazy) to me.
Again, either way I like his words. I like that he addresses profiting from prayer. If we prepare our minds for talking to the God of the universe it will without a doubt benefit us. I also think he is trying to communicate that by the simple act of praying we are humbling ourselves before the Lord and conversationally approaching him. Those are the things that popped out to me.

 "...it seems to me that the person who is about to come to prayer should withdraw for a little and prepare himself, and so become more attentive and active for the whole of his prayer. He should cast away all temptation and troubling thoughts and remind himself so far as he is able of the Majesty whom he approaches, and that it is impious to approach Him carelessly, sluggishly, and disdainfully; and he should put away all extraneous things. This is how he should come to prayer: stretching out his soul, as it were, instead of his hand; straining his mind toward God, instead of his eyes; raising his governing reason from the ground and standing it before the Lord of all, instead of standing."

I love that. I felt like I could have italicized or bolden? boldize? made bold? almost every single word. I am very prone to pray out of obligation and definitely with little thought. I have thought a lot about being intentional with prayer since reading this. There is so much meat in this that I can't even begin to break down. I would rather just share it and let each person pull out what it means to them and explore how it encourages them. Although, I will say that I'm making sure I don't take from this that I shouldn't approach the Lord unless I can completely focus for at least an hour or more. I think there is great importance in being prayerful throughout the day, every day (1 Timothy 2:8). I think he is trying to illustrate the equal importance of finding the time and energy to pray in a more intentional and thoughtful way.

"It seems to me that there are four topics that need to be sketched out and that I have found them scattered in the Scriptures. Each person should organize his prayer according to these topics. This is what they are:
1. In the beginning and the preface of the prayer, something having the force of praise should be said of God through Christ, who is praised with Him, and by the Holy Spirit, who is hymned with Him.
2. After this, each person should place general thanksgivings, bringing forward for thanksgiving the benefits given many people and those he has received from God.
3. After thanksgiving, it seems to me that he ought to blame himself bitterly before God for his own sins and then asks first, for healing that he may be delivered from the habit that brings him to sin and, second, for forgiveness of the sins that have been committed.
4. After confession, the fourth topic that seems to me must be asses is the request for great and heavenly things, both private and general, and concerning this household and his dearest. And, finally, the prayer should be concluded with a doxolgy of God through Christ in the Holy Spirit..."

I love structure and direction. I love the book of James because it straight up tells me what to do and what not to do. I love this suggestion for how to approach prayer. I don't see it as legalism but rather a genuine attempt to help guide in this abstract thing called praying.

I want to approach prayer thoughtfully, intentionally, and frequently.

(Thank you Imago Dei youth group for the wonderful discussion about prayer in relation to Origen's words that inspired this post.)

Emmanuel.

It's fun to steal someone else's words... Makes my job a lot easier. Austin has told me a few times how much he loves the word "Emmanuel." He loves all that it encompasses. So I asked him to write out all that it means to him for me (I definitely had ulterior motives, but either way I was excited to hear what it meant to him). This is his beautiful response. It was definitely encouraging to me. Not to mention I kinda like the loving words he says about me...


"One of the best gifts I have ever been given is wrapped around my wrist right now...

Emmanuel: God with us. Emmanuel or Immanuel is only written a few times in scripture, but I love how it is used. Emmanuel is explained by Matthew as meaning, "God with us," but it is his description for Christ so it is also one way I see the development of the trinity actually written in scripture. Since there is only reference of the trinity in the bible, I think it is pretty cool that Matthew would use Hebrew terminology to speak about the coming of Christ. "God with us" transcends time and space. If we are to consider the tenses of "God with us" we can see that time is transcended as the meaning could read "God was with us," "God is with us," and "God will be with us." When I think about God being with us in the past I think of other scripture that reminds us of the Lord's consideration of us before the foundations of the earth; He knew us before we were a thought or a possibility, He knew us before our countless generations that came before us...God was with us. "God is with us," communicates to me the immediacy of who God is and his activity; God was not only once and is gone, (Niche- existentialist philosopher who claimed God was dead)  he currently is present and active. When we can understand that the Lord is present with us, I honestly believe we can find peace at a time we could not imagine. When we find peace in the midst of our shattered broken hearts, minds, bodies and souls I believe the connectivity and thanksgiving should be directed at God as well as those whom he puts in our life to find peace. The relationships the Lord puts in our lives exist to help bring a peace that is ever striving to simply be with God. As the moments match up with the will of the Lord, we experience the Lord as He IS with us. "God will be with us" walks us onto a path of energy for the future. Sometimes I want to hold on to what's happening now, or an experience but I must keep in mind the Lord is calling me to move forward. I am called to pursue difficult goals and persevere through failure as well as success. I cannot dwell on either one success or one failure but must consider what is to come so that I can work hard in preparation of the unknown struggles, fears, hurt etc. to come. I see the Lord transcending time, and to wear His name on my wrist is a privilege and a privilege that I neither deserve nor can completely fathom.

Emmanuel communicates more to me than just God "being" with us, but also that we are with him. Your tattoo reminds me of this, "Beloved Child." Children are not claimed if they are not wanted and desired. The Lord claims us through calling us his children, through his adoption of us as lost and homeless orphans. A father is quick to hold his child in a storm or after a bad dream, you and I hug to pour out affection. When our parents or our friends embrace us, we experience God. Emmanuel is displayed throughout our daily life and life together. Emmanuel brings peace because, as Job experienced, it sometimes feels as though all we have is Emmanuel and sometimes it feels as if we have no one, not even God but we can rest in the peace and grace that is given to us no matter the loss. Emmanuel."

 I haven't thought much about the word "Emmanuel" before. I just feel like I see it around Christmas time. I definitely will start thinking differently about it now.

Thank you Austin for being willing to share your words AND your wrist. Also, props to destinyray jewelry for the bracelet. Order yours today! Pick a word that means a lot to you... destinyray.com (Lenny's doesn't know what they're missing. Marketing skills out the wazoo.)

Austin has hairy arms.

Discipline.

I think I've always perceived the word "discipline" as a negative word. I associate discipline with being grounded or spanked as a kid. Discipline means having to follow rules. However, I'm learning that discipline doesn't necessarily have to be negative. Being disciplined can really be an awesome thing. "Self-discipline is the assertion of willpower over more base desires, and is usually understood to be synonymous with self control. Self-discipline is to some extent a substitute for motivation, when one uses reason to determine a best course of action that opposes one's desires. Virtuous behavior is when one's motivations are aligned with one's reasoned aims: to do what one knows is best and to do it gladly. Continent behavior, on the other hand, is when one does what one knows is best, but must do it by opposing one's motivations. Moving from continent to virtuous behavior requires training and some self-discipline." Thank you wikipedia. I really do love that definition. I kinda feel I could just end the blog here... but you know I have to break down my crap.

I am NOT a disciplined person. I never give up something for lent or set a new year's resolution. I always just convince myself that it's not my thing. I procrastinated and did the bare minimum to get through college. I live freely and love being spontaneous. I don't set goals, and if I do then I don't reach them. Lists make me nervous.

I have unfortunately had disciplinedness (I like making up words) in my face recently though. Austin is disciplined. He is proactive, organized, and motivated. This really is foreign to me. He challenges himself and makes sure he does not get too comfortable in life. He sets goals and achieves them.

I decided I wanted to take this on since I feel like finding too much comfort is a struggle of mine. It freakin isn't easy. The first place I was challenged to be disciplined was my actual relationship with Austin. We began our relationship in such a unique way that it is discipline I have never experienced before. We are forced to figure out how to "be together" without physically being together. (he lives in Memphis, I live in Portland) We have to be disciplined about being intentional in communication and not being distracted by our surroundings, but also making sure we are present in the community that we are in. We are learning how to not lean on each other too much and use each other as a crutch, but to still care for one another from a distance.

I also challenged myself to not eat meat for a month. Wow. If you know me, you know I love me some meat. An ideal day for me would consist of a chicken biscuit (or 2) for breakfast, a turkey sandwich for lunch, and barbecue chicken pizza (or a steak) for dinner. My mouth is watering now. 3 more days... Anyway, I knew it'd be a tough challenge and a great way to be disciplined. I'm giving up alcohol in February. Start praying for me now.

A strong and healthy relationship with the Lord requires an immense amount of discipline. I hate waking up for work in the mornings. I prefer to roll out of bed, brush my teeth and head to work. However, I have learned that spending time with the Lord in the mornings makes my day much better and focused on Him. I have to be disciplined and motivated to make sure that time happens. I struggle to pray so I know I have to be disciplined in order to have that be my inclination throughout my day.

I believe we are called to be disciplined. Life seems so pointless and directionless without discipline.






Side note: I love blogging. I love exploring aspects of my life that I feel are very weak and being vulnerable with them. I have discovered that writing these things out and confessing them has helped me stay more focused. Accountability. Hmmm that could be a good blog post. :) Thanks for the 20 of you who read this. It's more encouraging than you probably think.

Updateagain

Well, I have slacked on my blogging, and I've really missed it.

So I feel like a lot has happened in the past month or so... I accepted the position I was offered working at an elementary after school program. I watched 3 seasons of 24. I took up knitting and can't stop. I randomly started dating an incredible guy. I spent 12 days in Memphis. I got a reminder to daily walk in Christ's love. I had a surprise visitor for 10 days in Portland. I found a roommate. I found an affordable apartment. I took a road trip to Seattle. I started my job. I moved into my apartment. I have found some really awesome, fun friends through my job. I have already started procrastinating in work. :)

Where to begin? My job, I suppose. So I got this job offer and was really unsure about whether it was the best choice for me. To say the least, it doesn't exactly pay well. In fact, it is basically considered a volunteer position with a living allowance. I definitely know I can live on a very small amount of money, but it is tough to swallow my pride sometimes and accept not having much. It was tough knowing I could be a waitress or barista and make almost twice as much. Also, this job is a commitment through December. It made me nervous to realize I would be tied down to Portland and this position for almost a year. I guess my fear of commitment is in multiple aspects of my life... But I realized that in the grand scheme of things, 11 months to struggle with money and be in a job is not at all a huge deal... So, I started last Monday. I was incredibly excited and nervous. I walked into the room with 15 other people who were probably experiencing very similar feelings. Our first week was primarily training/orientation. I am assigned to an elementary school to teach a Youth Advisory Council and a service learning class after school. I'm still struggling to understand what that will look like (which is where my procrastination comes in, I should definitely be working on lesson plans right now). I start teaching tomorrow... I'll get around to it eventually... I have met some awesome people already. There are 14 girls and 2 boys on my team. We all come from different backgrounds and are headed toward different goals, but we are all experiencing this together. It's awesome. Already hung out with some of them twice this past weekend. It's really exciting to have some new friends and have a sense of a community with them.

Regarding my new apartment/roommate. It is a pretty sweet deal. Austin knew a pastor out here so he emailed the pastor asking if he knew of anyone who needed a roommate. The pastor sent me Charity's information so we started emailing. As soon as I got back in town from Christmas we met for coffee. We got to talk about backgrounds, living expectations, finances, etc and decided we would be a good fit for each other. About a week later we found a place about 20 blocks from Avery and Destiny and 80 blocks away from my school for an awesome price! It's a two bedroom with a nice size kitchen, living room, and bathroom. Luckily she had most everything we would need and even provided a box spring and mattress for me. It is pretty awesome. I will take pictures once we get all the way settled.

Being in Memphis was really refreshing. It was a rush and busy as crap, but awesome at the same time. I love being with my family. It was so nice to just be with them and spend some great time with all of them. It's amazing the love and comfort I feel being surrounded by them. It was also awesome getting to see some friends and catch up, as well as meet some new friends...

Which brings me to Austin. I will just give an overview of our story... Austin and I had probably met twice (none of which I remember), and were facebook friends from that. He is trying to figure out where to go to grad school and Portland State is high on his list. He saw on facebook that I had moved to Portland (and he likes to add "plus she was really cute") and decided to ask me about the city/PSU. We facebook chatted for a little bit, and I was just confused. I had no idea why this random guy was talking to me, but after extensive facebook stalking I was in no way concerned. He was far from my type. Yeah, God is funny. Anyway, talking about grad school turned into talking about passions which turned into talking about life. We ended up chatting for about 4 hours the first time we talked. At the end of the convo he asked if he could have my number and call me the next day. I was EXTREMELY hesitant, but knew I saw something special and different in him. We talked on the phone the next day and then video chatted (embarrassing, but true) for the next month before I went home for Christmas. Being in Memphis and affirming all the feelings I had felt the past month was incredible. Then while I was having an emotional breakdown because I was struggling to balance time between him, family, and friends he told me he was following me back to Portland and spending 12 days there. WHAT?! I just met this boy. (Funny story, my flight was delayed and he had to spend two days in Portland without me, including New Years Eve... It wasn't funny at the time.) Anyway, we had a phenomenal time together exploring the city, hiking, hanging with Avery and Dest and road-tripping. Unfortunately we are back to video chatting/calling for now. 

Alright, time to lesson plan.  

Wall.

I have hit a wall. It pisses me off. I guess I'm not very good with rejection. My best friend just called me during her lunch break to check on me. I didn't have to say anything directly and she knew it was not a good day for me.

I don't necessarily look good on paper. I have a little bit of job experience and all my volunteer work is the same. So, I'm basically qualified to make a sandwich and be a volunteer youth leader. Maybe that isn't going to get me very far. I'm intimidated. I hate failure so much that I become afraid of being proactive. However, I just read a message I sent to a friend when I first moved out here. I talked about how excited I was to be able to face the challenge of finding a job all on my own. No connections, purely based on who I am. Sounded dreamy at the time...

I wrote that earlier today. I was on the verge of giving up. The Lord is faithful. About an hour later I got an email regarding setting up an interview for an administrative assistant position. And then about 3 hours after that I got a phone call... I applied to a job through AmeriCorps as soon as I got out here. It is a position working with a local public school and connecting the school to the community. I would be working with the students at an after-school program as well as their families and volunteers within the program. I interviewed for this the week before Thanksgiving and was of course insecure and shaky. I think I officially suck at interviews. HOWEVER, I guess I did well enough! They offered me a position!! It starts January 10th and goes until December 16th. It is just an incredible relief to have this door opened. Especially when I was hitting a wall. I will definitely continue praying about this and making sure it is what I need to be doing, but I do feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. :)

Hide-N-Seek

I am sketchy. I am deceptive. I hide things like it's my job.

When I was an 8th grader, a junior in high school started pursuing me. He was involved with youth group, sweet, and caring. I asked my parents if I could hang out with him... HA! Was I seriously thinking they would say yes? So, I "dated" him for nine months behind my parents' backs. It was the worst and best feeling in the world. I hated myself for deceiving my parents and was constantly feeling overwhelmed and nervous. However, it was a rush. I was being rebellious, adventurous, and getting attention from an older guy. I thought I was on top of the world. I guess this is when my streak of hiding stuff began. Well, big stuff at least.

I'm still trying to end the streak. I have been confronted and challenged by people close to me a lot recently. I decided I wanted to live my life in a whole new way. I want to not have anything in my life that I feel like I need to hide from the people that mean the most to me. I don't know why I have sketchy tendencies. Maybe it stems from being a PK. Always feeling pressure to do right, so even if it isn't a big deal, I feel like I need to hide anything questionable.  I guess I sometimes feel judged. But when I step back and think about it, I realize that I am doing some things that I should be ashamed of. I can be too stubborn to allow anyone to keep me accountable so I avoid my closest friends and family. Not exactly an ideal way to live life.

I think this could be an incredible way to start living my life differently. I need people here on earth to keep me accountable. I know I am going to disappoint. No one likes to disappoint. I don't think that should be something that overcomes our lives and cripples us though. I want to seek the Lord and my loved ones. The Lord is watching over me and aware of everything I think and do. There is no hiding from Him. This book that I am reading talks about being one whom God respects. Now that's a challenge. Seems pretty impossible, but I don't think it is. "Choose to humble yourself by submitting to His greatness every day."

Living a life with nothing to hide is incredibly freeing already. I stress and worry less. I feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin. I am having conversations with friends and family, and we are able to grow and strengthen our relationship so much more based on openness and honesty. I am growing closer to the Lord without shame.

Uno (not the game)

That means one in Spanish, just in case you didn't know that.

I've been in Portland for exactly one month now. That's kinda crazy to me. I have had a few people ask for updates, so why not post one and have a place to direct people if they desire to hear about my (not so) exciting life.

If I'm honest, I think I was hoping to accomplish more than I have at this point. However, I'm content. Today at least. So, the first week and a half I mainly focused on pulling together my resume. It's unbelievable how many hours can be spent attempting to perfect a resume. Since then, it has been an overwhelming amount of job searching and applying.

What does a typical day look like? Well, most days are pretty monotonous honestly. I wake up between 8:30 and 9:30 (I'm proud of that) and read and journal while sipping on some coffee. I love making this a new habit of mine. Then I usually spend the rest of the morning searching for jobs/researching/applying/writing cover letters/adjusting my resume to a particular job/etc. Destiny has also allowed me to help her with her jewelry a few times, which is a nice break to sitting in front of a computer. Around 12:30 or 1:00 Destiny and I pack up a lunch and drive over to Avery's office. She seriously is the sweetest wife ever. Avery comes out, and we all eat lunch together in Destiny's VW Bug. It's pretty cute if you ask me. Afternoons consist of exercising, coffee shops, meeting with the two friends I have here (Kristen and Allie), continuing applications, watching 24, writing friends, etc. Evenings are usually spent with Avery and Destiny eating dinner and watching TV or playing games.

I have probably applied to over 30 jobs now. I am applying to anything and everything. I have only gotten two responses. Which is a little bit of a hard thing to swallow sometimes. I just have to remind myself that there are probably hundreds of other people applying to these same jobs, and I'm not exactly qualified for, well, much of anything. The first interview I had was with an internet marketing company. It was a sales position, and I feel like I pretty much bombed the interview. Needless to say, I haven't heard back from them. I'm not too disappointed about that. The second interview was with a job through Americorps. It is basically working for an organization that tries to connect the schools with the community and runs an after-school program. I felt better about this interview mainly because it actually involved something that interests me and I have experience in. I am supposed to hear back from them after Thanksgiving. I am hopeful, but definitely still applying to other positions.

As soon as I got out here I knew I wanted to immediately dive into doing something. I knew I would attend Imago Dei Community Church so I emailed the youth director and asked if he needed any leaders. About a week after I got here, I dressed up as a plastic pumpkin trick-or-treat bucket and headed to a high school and middle school Halloween party. I luckily knew one of the high school leaders through Avery, but otherwise I knew no one. Of course it turned out great, and I have officially become a high school leader. It is a huge change from Hope's youth group, but I'm enjoying the challenge. There are only about 20 students, but they are tight knit and anxious to learn and love. The other leaders have been extremely welcoming, and I'm excited to grow friendships with them.

Portland as a city, I am beginning to appreciate more and more. There are definitely things I am getting used to, but every once in a while it hits me how awesome and beautiful this city truly is. It is so cool to be submerged in such a different culture. Things I am getting used to in relation to the actual city:

• Making sure I don't hit pedestrians and bikers. They are everywhere.
• Being confident ordering a PBR in a Portland brewery. People love their beer here. I prefer cheap beer.
• Rain. I'm trying to have a positive attitude and not let it get to me. It's freaking hard though. It's  35 and raining today. My dad said he got too hot on his run this morning in Memphis. I need a gym membership.
• People truly are different. They actually are nicer than I expected, but sometimes I just feel like I don't exactly fit in. 

That's an overview of what's going on. I'll try to keep people updated and don't ever hesitate to contact me personally. It's nice to hear from people.

If you feel the urge, pray for me this week. I'm staying here for Thanksgiving. I haven't really spent a holiday away from my family before. Also, I realized that was a pretty positive update. That makes me happy. It really has been tough at times, I've had my share of breakdowns and thoughts of giving up. I am learning so much though.

Rollercoaster

Being able to spend August, September, and part of October in Memphis was a huge blessing. When I got back to Memphis from Portland at the end of July, I was ready and anxious to pack up and drive all my stuff across the country. However, I had a flight out of Memphis at the beginning of September for our family vacation and one of my best friends was getting married at the end of September. I know, terrible reasons to have to stay in Memphis, right? Little did I know, those couple months were going to be some of the most memorable of my life. I was able to live with Tommy and Jessica and spend intentional time with them, learning and loving. I took a trip to Knoxville and spent 5 days with my best friends. I fell in love with running and got to experience Memphis's new greenline. I got to be a part of a very exciting few weeks with Julie as she prepared and tied the knot with Chad. Sundays became my favorite day of the week; worshiping with my family, eating lunch, running, worshiping again and hearing my dad speak, then going out for dinner. A full day of fellowship with the family. Not to mention I was lucky enough to get in on my parents' anniversary trip to NYC.

However, the last couple weeks were rough. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. I felt at home, and it was comfortable. I got extremely close to Tommy and Jessica, and they were challenging me and supporting me. There definitely were some times when I thought, "Wait, what am I thinking? This is where I should be." I'm honestly not sure why I still decided to move. I think it was mainly pride and stubbornness, but hopefully there was faith in there somewhere too. And of course, there was a little part of me that was extremely excited, but it was pretty masked.

Needless to say, I was drained and emotionally exhausted by the time my mom and I jumped in the car. Once we got on the road my adrenaline started pumping though. By day two I was able to really feel the excitement break through the wall of sadness. My mom and I had a wonderful time together. Our trip in a nutshell:
Day one: Memphis, TN to Council Bluffs, IA. 11 hours. 639 miles. 1 flat tire.
Day two: Council Bluffs, IA to Rapid City, SD. 9 hours. 545 miles. 4 dead presidents sculpted on a mountain. 2 incredibly sweet letters from my dad.
Day three: Rapid City, SD to Billings, MT. 5.5 hours. 374 miles. 2 pictograph caves. 1 local brewery. 2 local beers. 1 of the best meals I've ever had.
Day four: Billings, MT to Missoula, MT. 5 hours. 344 miles. 1 best friend in the world. 1 hike to the M. 1 night out with Katy and some of her friends who I met this summer.
Day five: Missoula, MT to Portland, OR. 9 hours. 548 miles. 2 excited siblings. 1 crazy cute cat.
Total: Memphis, TN to Portland, OR. 39.5 hours. 2,450 miles. Let's not talk about the amount of money spent on gas and lodging... Thanks for your support mom and dad. :) 

I'm thrilled to be here, but it truly has been an emotional rollercoaster. Some moments I still question my decision, but I know I would never have had these experiences and challenges if I hadn't done this. I'm so grateful for Avery and Destiny and their willingness to have me and help me here. I know this is an extremely precious time that I'm able to have with them. I was afraid I would never have the opportunity to do this.

Work

That's a funny title since I don't have any.

However, I am working. I'm discovering that you have to work to make a story of your life. I just read a book by native Portlander (Portlandite? Portlandian? who knows?), Donald Miller, called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Some of you might recognize him by his more popular book, Blue Like Jazz. I'm not going to give you a summary of the book, go and read it instead. However, I do want to go through some of the things that really stuck out to me. Miller had ridiculous success with Blue Like Jazz and a lot of us looked at him as a really solid man who was doing amazing things with his life. In this book he reveals his lack of motivation and how his laziness leads him to watch hours of television each day. In fact, one of the guys he is working with tells him that if they portrayed his life as it truly is, people watching the movie would "stab each other in the necks with drinking straws." Ouch. How vulnerable of him to admit that.

Obviously Donald Miller is an incredible, honest, Godly man. Also, he is wonderful with words, so I'm going to quote him and throw in my thoughts instead of giving my summary. Thank God this isn't a research paper with a quote limit...

"People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. Joy costs pain." Dang.

"Humans are designed to seek comfort and order, and so if they have comfort and order, they tend to plant themselves, even if their comfort isn't all that comfortable. And even if they secretly want for something better." I love this. I struggle with this on a daily basis. We all probably do.

"It's all that stuff about forgiveness and risking rejection and learning to love. We think stories are about getting money and security, but the truth is, it all comes down to relationships." This really stands out to me. Forgiveness. Risking rejection. Learning to love. Extremely powerful things that we love to ignore.

"Not living a better story would be like deciding to die, deciding to walk around numb until you die, and it's not natural to want to die." But it's so much easier to not feel sometimes. However, there are periods of my life that when I think back on them I have NO idea what happened.

"when you are a better character, your story gets better too" I almost didn't comment on this quote. I wanted it to stand out, but I realized that it looked more like I didn't think it was as important. I love that he makes sure we know it's not just about the outward things we do. We have to change our hearts and minds to make a better story.

"I didn't want to get well, because if I got well, nobody would come and save me anymore. And I didn't want to get well, because while I could not control my happiness, I could control my misery, and I would rather have had control than live in the tension of what if. A chance of hope is no pacifier against a sure tragedy." I can be a control freak. I don't love the unknown. I like taking physical risks, but emotional risks scare the bageezees out of me.

"once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time."

There is a "natural high the body creates to trick us into thinking another human being might rescue us...we make too much of worldly love...for years I'd thought of love as something that would complete me, make all my troubles go away. I worshipped at the altar of romantic completion." Welcome to my 23 years of living. Okay, maybe I didn't start worshipping at this altar until... preschool (thanks Patrick)? That's ridiculous and somewhat true. I definitely had this mindset of, once I find a man I will feel fulfilled and worth something. What a crappy way to live. It's so obvious to me now why none of my relationships have worked out. I can't look to a guy to validate me. He later talks about a couple who look at each other as a "cherished prize." "Neither needed the other to make everything okay. They were simply content to have good company through life's conflicts." Beautiful.

Now I really am simply trying to work on making a meaningful story out of my life. It's going to be hard work and I'm going to feel like crap sometimes, but it's worth it. (Thanks Jess for giving me this book. I love you!) I'm going to end with a quote from the end of the book that I'm trying to think about throughout my day, everyday.

"We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them."

Intense

My good friend, Nathan Dugger sent me a text message yesterday that really made me laugh, then made me think. This was the text I received... "Dude your blog is intense. It's not like a 'glance over it when you're bored' blog. It's a 'pay attention cuz this shit is deep' blog." Thanks, Nate...

If you know Nathan, you know that this guy is an incredible person. He is real. Sarcastic, but real. He will give it to you straight, no matter what. Alright, so Nathan is still a male (no offense guys, but you know it's true) so he doesn't necessarily show his emotions and feelings on his sleeve, but he'd be happy to be honest and open when questioned. Nathan doesn't get caught up in the cultural pressures, he goes after what he wants and desires. You know what makes this even more impressive? Nathan could be a huge jerk. Nathan is by far the most talented person I know. He travels the country playing guitar while making every guy envious and every girl weak at the knees. He knows this, but doesn't let it get to him. He has a wonderful, brilliant, and beautiful girlfriend that trusts him and supports him. All that to say, Nathan is someone who inspires me. I know in Nathan's own little way through that text he was telling me he was proud of me (Nate, if you're reading this and that's not at all what your text meant, just let me believe differently).

Enough about Nathan, this blog is supposed to be about me. ;) I'm proud of the fact that my blog is considered "intense." I am working towards going deeper in my own life, so I can't help showing that in writing out my thoughts. I know most blogs are about traveling, training for marathons/triathlons, crafts (shout-out to destinycraftherpants), etc, but my passion right now is growth, living life to the fullest, searching for my heart, and following Christ. That is intense shit! I want to be real. I want to not be influenced by the cultural pressures, but instead go after what I believe I'm supposed to go after. It is so easy for us to live our lives at the surface level. Go through the motions and still feel satisfied. That's what I've been doing, and I'm using this blog as an outlet to push myself to change. And honestly, I'm jealous of the people who are training, traveling, crafting their pants, etc. But that's not my journey right now. Well, my next post will hopefully be about my road trip from Memphis to Portland, but I have a feeling it will be more about emotions than landmarks.

Back to working on my damn resume... Maybe my passion should be more about finding a job...