Katy

Katy,

When you came to Grahamwood in sixth grade wearing Umbros and an oversized t-shirt, I knew we were going to be good friends. However, I had no idea what we had ahead of us.

Middle school was full of awkward moments. We began our competitive endeavors by seeing who could catch the most sour skittles in our mouths, started our periods and figured out how to use a tampon, and dressed up as Sweet N Low and Equal for Halloween. Seriously the worst costumes ever. I’m 90% positive it was your idea.

High school was definitely more enjoyable and slightly less awkward. We upped our competition game with ping pong, bowling, darts, speed scrabble, etc… You know, the normal things to be overly competitive about. Good thing you had terrible taste in boys in high school so we never had to compete over them. (Love you, Phil. And I’m so thankful for you and how tremendously well you and the rest of that group loved Katy.) Katy is our glue.

I loved so much that my parents lived close to school so we were able to go watch 30 minutes of ABC Family while scarfing down bagel bites, goldfish dipped in Catalina dressing (why was that a thing, you're gross), Oreos over soaked and soggy in milk, and cookie dough from a giant bucket before soccer practice. Although, I used to get so pissed because you would always pick out the dough and leave me with a spoonful of chocolate chips. It’s a miracle we didn't ever puke at practice. I think that may have had something to do with how insanely lazy we were. Remember when we used to jump in people's cars when we were supposed to be running a mile around the neighborhood? Did I ever tell you how I was always so jealous that you would score ALL our goals and have your name called over the intercom to the whole school the next day. I seriously could never keep up with you. Katy, I’m sorry Ruthie was always better at tennis than you. However, I am not sorry she was so much better than us at basketball. Can you imagine how many points hoopin squad would actually have scored in a game if Ruthie wasn’t on our team?

So much of who I am, what I've done, and what my life has looked like since high school is directly correlated to having you as my best friend.

I am so grateful we have always stayed within driving distance of one another.

I started playing ultimate because I was struggling in college, and you knew I needed an outlet for my competitive and active nature. You taught me how to throw a flick and catch a pancake, and you patiently and lovingly kept me accountable about following through with joining the team at UT... And then you bitches beat us EVERY SINGLE TIME we played one another for the next two years. You rubbed it in my face and then gave my whole team a drink. You loved so fully and so hard. You had such an amazing way of bringing people together. Have I mentioned that you’re glue?

I moved to the northwest because of you, K. You had such a way of inspiring and sometimes forcing people to seek adventure. Every time you came to visit me in Portland the past 6 years I prepared for five things to happen.

1. Losing 1-2 articles of clothing. We all know you weren't about to spend your time and money shopping. And even if you had, you have pretty awful fashion sense
2. You were going to eat all my food and drink my booze
3. You would clean my room
4. Non-stop adventures: She came on her 25th and made a list of 25 things to do for her 25th birthday that we had to fit into a two day weekend (including kick lindsay’s ass at ping pong)
5. Buying destiny ray jewelry. You wanted to support people you love

I feel so fortunate to have gotten to see into your life in Montana. You always showed me the best time in Missoula. You and your friends were so welcoming and truly made me feel a part of your friend group. They loved me well because they love you so much.

Thank you for challenging me to be a better person and friend. Thank you for continuing to pursue me even when I wouldn’t respond for weeks… Let's be honest, sometimes months. You were undoubtedly a better friend to me than I was to you. Thank you for teaching me tolerance. Thank you for demonstrating how to be a servant to others. Thank you for forcing me out of my comfort zone.

Katy, we had so much more to do. You already asked me to be in your hypothetical wedding. You were supposed to be in my wedding (again). You were going to be the crazy aunt to my kids. I was going to put up with your annoying dog and you would continue to secretly love my cats. We were going to hold one another as we lost people we love. We had so many more adventures to go on. We were going to grow old together and make fun of one another's sagging skin and deteriorating hearing.

KK, I'm sorry you were in so much pain. I hope you knew how loved you were. You brought so much happiness to all of us, and we are forever grateful for you. I hope we can all take a page out of your book and… I literally cannot figure out how to finish this sentence. I know everyone has something that they learned from Katy.

Kay, I want to promise you some things.

Kate, Rachel, and I will keep going to MPC when we are all in town and keep up with our email chain to continue to love one another from afar. 

I will keep in touch with Allie and love her and Jon as they settle into married life. I will visit your parents every time I come in town and hug them hard for you.

I promise to not get stuck in the why or what if game? You would want us all to only seek happiness and love.

I promise to think of you as I continue our bad habits of shells and cheese, ice cream, too much pizza, too many beers, etc.

I promise to keep listening to music that makes me happy and think of how much you would love it.

I promise to keep seeking adventures. I promise to make my bed...at least some of the time. I promise to keep taking beers on my hikes. I promise to keep riding my bike. I promise to be a better friend.

Katy, you are our glue. We promise to hold firm together.

invincible.

adjective:

1. incapable of being conquered, defeated, or subdued

2. insuperable; insurmountable 

It is so easy to feel invincible. And I am not sure that is a bad thing. 

This is Justin and Anna. Justin has been my neighbor in our small apartment complex for almost a year. As soon as he moved in, I knew he was something special. I desired to be around him. He is one of those people who exudes positivity. Justin and I were no means close friends, but we were always intentional. When our paths crossed as we were headed out on an adventure, bike ride, grocery run, or simply work, we made sure to talk about real life. We shared about relationships and struggles and joy. 

Justin and Anna were killed in a head-on collision while driving out to hike on the Columbia River Gorge on Wednesday afternoon. As morbid as it is, I find it appropriate that Justin and Anna died seeking adventure and exploring. 

Justin lived life like he was invincible. He wanted to do and see everything and bring light to those around him along the way. My neighbors and I were crying and sharing stories last night, and we couldn't help continuing to question why they were the ones to die. They both were gifts to this earth. I'm going to celebrate them and invite you to contribute to their families as they mourn the loss of their child, brother, and sister.

I never want to live in fear, but I also want to remember that my time on this world could end at any second. It sounds cliche, but in painful times like this I am reminded to live each day to the fullest. It reminds me to stop wallowing in self-pity and do the things that make me happy. 

So today I am spending the day with my nephews and tonight I am going on a group bike ride.

easton.

I'll never forget the day that Destiny told Austin and me that we should watch this video that she made for Avery in celebration of him finishing his Masters. Watching this video now, I feel so silly for not knowing what was actually going on. We watched the video side by side on their loveseat while they watched over our shoulders waiting for our reaction. If you know me at all, you know that my reaction was full of tears and hugs. I was so excited for us to be aunt and uncle to this new bundle of joy. If you have an extra few minutes you should watch it... I still cry every single time.

Today I spent the day with two year old Easton. I picked him up, and he immediately said, "kitties." I let him know that we would see the kitties later, but for now we were going to go get ice cream on the MAX (our light rail). He loves the MAX. We sat and waited for the red line and got to watch cars on the highway pass. He kept saying "whoa, fast," and "Linny, look." Once we got on the MAX, he sat next to me and held my hand. We watched people get on and off, talked about the bridges, and looked at the mountains. At every stop he looked up at me and asked, "more?." Once we got to the frozen yogurt shop, he stuck by my side as we sampled the different flavors and made our choices. After eating our froyo, we walked over to Target to buy new sunglasses and toys for Linny's home. I was amazed by Easton's ability to pick out what he wanted when given choices and his obedience when I asked him come on and put the toys back. We checked out and got back on the MAX to go see the kitties. While walking back to my apartment from the MAX station, Easton looked at me, kissed me and said "I love you, Linny." Heart. Broken. In the best way possible.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own self-pity and selfish desires. It is so refreshing to be around Easton's innocence and excitement over what I constantly take for granted. I had no idea how much joy someone could bring to my life. Easton was born exactly two months after Austin and I separated. Easton will always have a special place in my heart because of the timing that he entered my life. I felt so hopeless and he gave me hope. I felt so much resentment, and he softened my heart. I still struggle with feeling insufficient and lost, but Easton thinks I'm grounded. Easton loves his Linny. I know I can't get all my worth from that, but it does help remind me that I am more than my insecurities and self-pity.

Chameleon

It has recently been shoved in my face that I am a chameleon. Things being shoved in your face hurts and chameleons are less than attractive. I have always said that I value people who are "real." I love people that don't bullshit and that don't put on a show just to be accepted by the particular crowd that they are currently around. Well, that's the exact opposite of what I've been doing. In fact, I will happily go out of my way to one up you. You are cynical and make lots of jokes about people? Perfect, I will make jokes about people that are incredibly hurtful and even change my attitude about that person just to "impress" you. You judge Christians? NO WAY, me too! Oh wait, now I am surrounded by people who love and serve Jesus well... I can totally do that too.

I think I learned this a really long time ago growing up as a preacher's kid. I had to fend for myself within the church as well as still keep up with the world. I didn't want to be placed in a box. I believe in a healthy balance. I never want to stop being a part of the church, and I will always value the importance of being a part of the world. Since moving to Portland, I have grown an even bigger appreciation of the beauties of the world. I know that we are meant to enjoy and share His creation. I think that includes the mountains and greenery, as well as man-made bridges and bike lanes, as well as the ultimate creation of human life. Speaking of, have you seen how cute my nephews and niece are?



I share this to challenge myself. I want to be true to myself. I want to be real. I don't want to try to impress others. Really though, conforming isn't attractive. Chameleons are funny looking.

Jealous.

This word has always had a negative connotation in my mind. Jealousy is sinful, full of selfishness, distrust, resentment. Jealousy is oppressive... Right?

For some reason I have had David Crowder's song, "How He Loves" in my head consistently for the past 2 weeks. The song begins by saying, "He is jealous for me..." What? If jealousy is sinful then the Lord can't be jealous. Not to mention, I don't feel like there is any way the Lord would be jealous for ME. I am broken and seem to constantly break my promises to him.


But the Lord IS jealous for me. He is jealous for my attention, my adoration, my devotion. He hates all the things I put before him. He is absolutely jealous when I serve this world and my worldly desires. However, God's jealousy is beautiful. When I really think about it, I realize how much security I can find in the Lord's jealousy. It makes me feel protected, loved, desired. That's what I need right now; I need to find worth in the Lord's need for me. I think that's what the Lord wants us to feel.

This seems simple and to the point, but it has consumed my thoughts recently. Listen to the song and try to ignore how goofy looking Crowder can look. :)

mystery.

My last post was about not being consumed with all the details of preparing for a wedding. However, I'm a little consumed with attempting to prepare my heart for marriage. Get ready for an overload of marriage and love posts...

My wonderful friends, Aaron and Sarah Harris gave Austin and me a book called, "the mystery of marriage." I have only read the first 40 pages, but am about to transition into reading some books alongside our premarital counseling so I wanted to get my thoughts out before I totally forgot about it. Books like this have grown on me. I used to read them and be extremely cynical. However, I have grown to accept that even if I don't necessarily agree with everything, I am at least forced to think about it.

This first section struck a cord with me. Per usual when I write about a book, I'll quote the expert to get my points across. The author immediately dives into "the conflict between a yearning for solitude and a yearning for companionship." Well, shit. Welcome to 90% of Austin and my arguments. He is so much better at it than I am... That might be the worst part about it. I am so dead-set on being an "independent woman," but at the same time continually needing him. I handle it VERY poorly sometimes. "One of the hardest things in marriage is the feeling of being watched."

This quote has two stars around it in my book (literally): "There is a constant temptation to pull back from the full intensity of the relationship, to get along on only the basic requirements. But set against this is the constant challenge to give more and more of oneself, at deeper and deeper levels, and to see in one's partner a most abundant and perfect channel for the outpouring of the grace of God into one's life." Absolutely beautiful. I want to strive for this. The author also uses the metaphor of how a woman was created "bone of bone, flesh of flesh" and the Lord was "revealed in the incarnation as bone of our bone, flesh of our flesh." That is extremely powerful if you really think about it.

I'll end this random, scattered post with another encouraging quote...
"No worship could be more pleasing or acceptable to God than the worship of marital love, of two lives being played out against one another in a covenant of loving cooperation."

Humbled.

I forgot to post this... It was written Nov. 30, 2011.

It is so funny the ways that the Lord humbles me. I'm so thankful for it.

I have now lived in Portland for over a year, and I have recently realized how much I have learned since moving here. It was a huge cultural change, but I realize how much of a blessing it has been. I struggle so much with appearance, status, popularity, etc. I love the south, but I know that it is culturally more of a temptation there. The culture in Portland is not conducive for that. Yes, free-thinkers, hippies, green freaks... think what you will. I have grown to appreciate that the competition is about who can live the most simply, accept people for who they are, and be the most environmentally friendly. I don't think there is anything sinful about that.

I'm getting married. I'M GETTING MARRIED! After having a little over week to let that sink in, I am able to appreciate how wonderful and beautiful this time of my life truly is. I get to celebrate love with the man of my dreams. We get to experience an amazing communion with the Lord. This realization has also humbled the crap out of me. I am sincerely terrified of getting caught up in all the planning and details and missing out on the real meaning of all this. I am committing my life to the man I will (God willing) get to grow old with, in front of the Lord and the people that mean the most to us. That's so incredibly beautiful. Of course I want our wedding to be gorgeous and fun, but... it's going to be. :) I want to commit to working hard to simply not be selfish and self-consumed.

Being with Austin is also just humbling in itself. Everyone knows that dating has not been my strong point. I lacked self-respect and in turn was unable to respect past boyfriends. I was completely unfair and broken. Austin has showed me how to humble myself and let go of the hurts and walls of the past. I am still learning to fully let go and give him my heart, but he has stayed by my side through it all... and even is going to marry me despite it! I don't want to miss a minute of these few months of planning and preparing our hearts. I am so thankful for him.