Discipline.

I think I've always perceived the word "discipline" as a negative word. I associate discipline with being grounded or spanked as a kid. Discipline means having to follow rules. However, I'm learning that discipline doesn't necessarily have to be negative. Being disciplined can really be an awesome thing. "Self-discipline is the assertion of willpower over more base desires, and is usually understood to be synonymous with self control. Self-discipline is to some extent a substitute for motivation, when one uses reason to determine a best course of action that opposes one's desires. Virtuous behavior is when one's motivations are aligned with one's reasoned aims: to do what one knows is best and to do it gladly. Continent behavior, on the other hand, is when one does what one knows is best, but must do it by opposing one's motivations. Moving from continent to virtuous behavior requires training and some self-discipline." Thank you wikipedia. I really do love that definition. I kinda feel I could just end the blog here... but you know I have to break down my crap.

I am NOT a disciplined person. I never give up something for lent or set a new year's resolution. I always just convince myself that it's not my thing. I procrastinated and did the bare minimum to get through college. I live freely and love being spontaneous. I don't set goals, and if I do then I don't reach them. Lists make me nervous.

I have unfortunately had disciplinedness (I like making up words) in my face recently though. Austin is disciplined. He is proactive, organized, and motivated. This really is foreign to me. He challenges himself and makes sure he does not get too comfortable in life. He sets goals and achieves them.

I decided I wanted to take this on since I feel like finding too much comfort is a struggle of mine. It freakin isn't easy. The first place I was challenged to be disciplined was my actual relationship with Austin. We began our relationship in such a unique way that it is discipline I have never experienced before. We are forced to figure out how to "be together" without physically being together. (he lives in Memphis, I live in Portland) We have to be disciplined about being intentional in communication and not being distracted by our surroundings, but also making sure we are present in the community that we are in. We are learning how to not lean on each other too much and use each other as a crutch, but to still care for one another from a distance.

I also challenged myself to not eat meat for a month. Wow. If you know me, you know I love me some meat. An ideal day for me would consist of a chicken biscuit (or 2) for breakfast, a turkey sandwich for lunch, and barbecue chicken pizza (or a steak) for dinner. My mouth is watering now. 3 more days... Anyway, I knew it'd be a tough challenge and a great way to be disciplined. I'm giving up alcohol in February. Start praying for me now.

A strong and healthy relationship with the Lord requires an immense amount of discipline. I hate waking up for work in the mornings. I prefer to roll out of bed, brush my teeth and head to work. However, I have learned that spending time with the Lord in the mornings makes my day much better and focused on Him. I have to be disciplined and motivated to make sure that time happens. I struggle to pray so I know I have to be disciplined in order to have that be my inclination throughout my day.

I believe we are called to be disciplined. Life seems so pointless and directionless without discipline.






Side note: I love blogging. I love exploring aspects of my life that I feel are very weak and being vulnerable with them. I have discovered that writing these things out and confessing them has helped me stay more focused. Accountability. Hmmm that could be a good blog post. :) Thanks for the 20 of you who read this. It's more encouraging than you probably think.

Updateagain

Well, I have slacked on my blogging, and I've really missed it.

So I feel like a lot has happened in the past month or so... I accepted the position I was offered working at an elementary after school program. I watched 3 seasons of 24. I took up knitting and can't stop. I randomly started dating an incredible guy. I spent 12 days in Memphis. I got a reminder to daily walk in Christ's love. I had a surprise visitor for 10 days in Portland. I found a roommate. I found an affordable apartment. I took a road trip to Seattle. I started my job. I moved into my apartment. I have found some really awesome, fun friends through my job. I have already started procrastinating in work. :)

Where to begin? My job, I suppose. So I got this job offer and was really unsure about whether it was the best choice for me. To say the least, it doesn't exactly pay well. In fact, it is basically considered a volunteer position with a living allowance. I definitely know I can live on a very small amount of money, but it is tough to swallow my pride sometimes and accept not having much. It was tough knowing I could be a waitress or barista and make almost twice as much. Also, this job is a commitment through December. It made me nervous to realize I would be tied down to Portland and this position for almost a year. I guess my fear of commitment is in multiple aspects of my life... But I realized that in the grand scheme of things, 11 months to struggle with money and be in a job is not at all a huge deal... So, I started last Monday. I was incredibly excited and nervous. I walked into the room with 15 other people who were probably experiencing very similar feelings. Our first week was primarily training/orientation. I am assigned to an elementary school to teach a Youth Advisory Council and a service learning class after school. I'm still struggling to understand what that will look like (which is where my procrastination comes in, I should definitely be working on lesson plans right now). I start teaching tomorrow... I'll get around to it eventually... I have met some awesome people already. There are 14 girls and 2 boys on my team. We all come from different backgrounds and are headed toward different goals, but we are all experiencing this together. It's awesome. Already hung out with some of them twice this past weekend. It's really exciting to have some new friends and have a sense of a community with them.

Regarding my new apartment/roommate. It is a pretty sweet deal. Austin knew a pastor out here so he emailed the pastor asking if he knew of anyone who needed a roommate. The pastor sent me Charity's information so we started emailing. As soon as I got back in town from Christmas we met for coffee. We got to talk about backgrounds, living expectations, finances, etc and decided we would be a good fit for each other. About a week later we found a place about 20 blocks from Avery and Destiny and 80 blocks away from my school for an awesome price! It's a two bedroom with a nice size kitchen, living room, and bathroom. Luckily she had most everything we would need and even provided a box spring and mattress for me. It is pretty awesome. I will take pictures once we get all the way settled.

Being in Memphis was really refreshing. It was a rush and busy as crap, but awesome at the same time. I love being with my family. It was so nice to just be with them and spend some great time with all of them. It's amazing the love and comfort I feel being surrounded by them. It was also awesome getting to see some friends and catch up, as well as meet some new friends...

Which brings me to Austin. I will just give an overview of our story... Austin and I had probably met twice (none of which I remember), and were facebook friends from that. He is trying to figure out where to go to grad school and Portland State is high on his list. He saw on facebook that I had moved to Portland (and he likes to add "plus she was really cute") and decided to ask me about the city/PSU. We facebook chatted for a little bit, and I was just confused. I had no idea why this random guy was talking to me, but after extensive facebook stalking I was in no way concerned. He was far from my type. Yeah, God is funny. Anyway, talking about grad school turned into talking about passions which turned into talking about life. We ended up chatting for about 4 hours the first time we talked. At the end of the convo he asked if he could have my number and call me the next day. I was EXTREMELY hesitant, but knew I saw something special and different in him. We talked on the phone the next day and then video chatted (embarrassing, but true) for the next month before I went home for Christmas. Being in Memphis and affirming all the feelings I had felt the past month was incredible. Then while I was having an emotional breakdown because I was struggling to balance time between him, family, and friends he told me he was following me back to Portland and spending 12 days there. WHAT?! I just met this boy. (Funny story, my flight was delayed and he had to spend two days in Portland without me, including New Years Eve... It wasn't funny at the time.) Anyway, we had a phenomenal time together exploring the city, hiking, hanging with Avery and Dest and road-tripping. Unfortunately we are back to video chatting/calling for now. 

Alright, time to lesson plan.